Our 16 year old pug will stand in the middle of the room and bark at me until I get down and play with her as another pug would, which involves head butting and pinching her ears (she nips my earlobes) and grabbing at her back legs until I roll over on my back so she can climb on my chest (with some help, she's old) and snort in my face, signifying victory.

Well, at least he's not Person Man?

You have to expose kids to a broad range of classic rock and rap so they can truly appreciate Weird Al later in life.

Maybe it was the dyed-in-the-wool cynical nature I was born with but I don't remember ever believing Santa was real. I think I looked up our chimney and thought the toddler equivalent of "Nope, that's BS".

Oh Joel, vodka in Eggnog? You still have much to learn young padawan, brandy (or a caramelly rum) are for Eggnog

When a cat goes to claw you HOLD STILL. Often they'll just grab you and hold on, what does the damage is you trying to pull away from it. Unless the back legs get involved, then you're screwed.

I love cats, the cute little fuzzy murder machines that they are. When I was growing up we had a big, lazy, not-so-smart half Siamese named Horace who was a consummate people lover; he could detect a lap from 100 yards and he'd hang out in the front yard waiting for people to walk by so he could rub against their legs and get attention. When he passed we discovered that three of our neighbors had beds and food bowls for him; he wasn't just our cat, he was the neighborhood mascot. You simply could not provoke him into irritability and he had little use for toys or chasing things, unlike our other cats.

Big, slow, lazy and friendly was Horace. He was the Big Hero 6 of cats.

Then one day a new neighbors german shepherd got into our yard and started chasing a little female tabby named Tigger. Our sheltie ran back into the house scared of the bigger dog... it was as big as me and I didn't know what to do. I'd never seen Horace move above a slow trot, not even for treats, but he suddenly appeared out of nowhere as beige streak of fur, fury and claws aimed directly at that dogs face, which he latched onto and started clawing. The poor thing managed to shake him off and ran for it (no permanent damage to him, thankfully), with Horace swiping at his heals up to the property line. It never to venture into our yard again. I had newfound respect for Horace after that, and he got extra food that night. It was like watching Big Hero 6 turn into Stich in the face of danger.

Also after that Tigger started bringing live little garter snakes into the house and leaving them on the kitchen floor, as some kind of thank you I suppose? My mom was not pleased.

"Hello, may I be of service?" http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/...

You obviously wandered in here by mistake. You're free to go.

My crotch is known as the "Launch Pad", not for reasons I would like but because every pet we've ever had has considered it a warm, fun trampoline. They'll lull me into a false sense of security for days, then one chilly evening one will be asleep in my lap and the doorbell rings...

Wife from upstairs: "Honey, why aren't you getting the door?"
Me: "Because I'm rolling around on the floor crying!"
Wife: "How'd the pug get in the chandelier?"
Me: "You know how."

Excuse me, I now have to go create a whiskey cocktail called the "Crust-less Snack", specifically aimed at Cons. (must use a vitamin supplement somehow)

My wife has at least two work husbands, that's what she calls them and it's entertaining to see how uncomfortable they get when she does it in front of me.

Uhg, its all white. Cheap white wine is liquid headache.
Fruit sugars + alcohol sugars + sulphur. Your only hope is to drink enough of it quick enough that the sugar rush and drunkenness postpone the headache until you crash, and by the time the hangover bill comes due you are hopefully unconscious.