These verses have comforted me many times as I despaired of, as you said, "holding onto God". He does ALL the holding!! Praise the Lord!

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.” John 10:27-30

Our adopted children are Asian (India) and so their skin is varying shades of brown, but definitely darker than us. I have talked about us all descending from Adam and that under our skin we are the same. I praise their beautiful skin and dark hair - and it really is beautiful! However, I have never felt like those things convinced them.

Even in India my girls heard comments about the depth of color of their brown skin and were called names because they were darker than someone else. Can you believe that? I was so surprised about that. Even in a country where everyone has brown skin they are comparing and calling out the lightest skin among them as being the most desirable and beautiful. Crazy!

I think taking the focus off of the difference and celebrating their heritage and what makes them special is a great way to give them a good feeling about who they are. I love that America is a melting pot of all kinds of ethnicities and all are unique and good.

Even with all that we have done and talked about regarding skin color my youngest daughter still finds it uncomfortable in public situations when she feels she is being stared at because she is different. I think they stare because she is strikingly beautiful, but that doesn't change how it makes her feel.

I go back to the best way we can help them is for them to embrace and celebrate who they are and see themselves as a special child of God.

We were in a rental during the waiting period of our first adoption (sibling girls). The reason we were renting is because we had sold our house (for personal reasons, not related to adoption) and were waiting for our new house to be completed. We had no idea at what point the girls would come to us in the process. We talked it all over with our social worker and agency. They were very encouraging and helpful and it was not a big deal although we did have to do an update for our home study. It turned out that we were moved in and settled for about six months before the girls came home. It would have been VERY difficult to move while in the early adjustment period with the girls. We were so glad that we were moved and settled when they came. That is just our personal experience.

As someone who has lost a child I think I can speak - at least from my own experience - to this question. First, I would say that even if you have experienced a loss do not assume you know what the person wants or what they are going through. Everyone is different. Be willing to listen, a lot.

One thing I really did not like was people telling me that: 1) God doesn't give us more than we can handle, 2) This is God's will, 3) He is in a better place, 4) Joy comes in the morning.

All those things may be true. Well, not number 1, but I'll get back to that. Someone who is drowning in their grief does not want to hear those things. Also, do not quote Bible verses from Job. Give them verses about God's care, love, compassion. Those are helpful.

Be willing to sit. Be willing to listen. Be willing to pray with them and for them - a lot. Let them know that you care and that you want to help, but you aren't sure know how to do that. Ask if you can come and clean house, or do laundry, take a child on an activity, or pick something up at the store. Be specific, don't just say, "Can I help?" Do NOT try to act like nothing has happened. That is so uncomfortable for the person grieving.

When you are grieving you do not think about eating. You don't have an appetite. Giving pre-made food that just needs to be heated up is great. Be sensitive when you drop things off as to whether or not they want your company. Remember, that the crisis does not just last a week. For us, after the memorial service we fell apart. The first year is excruciating. Send a note of encouragement a month later - and continue to do it every now and then. I wanted to know that people remembered my son lovingly and I wanted them to bring him up and tell me their memories they had of him. I also wanted to hear that we were being thought of and prayed for.

If you see the person grieving don't say, "It's been six months, I'm surprised you are still struggling." Oh my. Someone actually said that to me. They will have hard days for years. I am on year 8. I still have hard days. Just give them a hug, tell them you love them, and pray for them.

Which reminds me, I so appreciate when close friends let me know that they are praying for us on our son's birthday. That is always a hard day and it really does help just to hear that someone remembers our son and remembers our loss.

Back to number 1. God gives us what we can only handle with His grace. We are, none of us, capable of handling the loss of a child without God's constant strength and comfort. God also instituted community and we have been so thankful for our church and the wonderful way that they have supported us. Just to give some ideas I will share some specific ways our church came alongside us. On our son's birthday, just three months after his death, they planted a tree near the church entryway as a memorial. On our first Christmas, church friends came over and helped us decorate our tree. Those two acts were very meaningful for us. You can't take away someone's pain at the loss of their loved one, but showing that you care goes a long way to help them heal.

We adopted from India two separate times (three children) and the requirements were different with each one. I don't know if the government changed their requirements, but I also think it has to do with the agency. We did agree with our last adoption that we would send a periodic report straight to the orphanage because they wanted to see how our son was doing and watch him grow up. (They had him from birth to 6 1/2 y/o.) I was thrilled that they would want that contact. I send photos and a brief report of what is going on with him - emphasizing the positive.

As I was typing I do remember that our official paperwork from India said different things both times. And, it seems I remember conversations with people who adopted from India about the same time who had different requirements in their paperwork. Once final adoption was completed here we were not required (by India) to do any other post placement reports, however, we complied with what our agency required.

I do agree that as things became difficult I wasn't sure how much to share. I ended up being a bit vague and saying that we were seeking help for our troubles - which we were.

Thank you for sharing Rebecca. It does put a different spin on things if you can just put aside the attachment piece - by that I mean not to feel that is our only measure of success. It gives me a lot to think about because that is easier said than done!

I always counsel people who are thinking about adopting to have realistic expectations. I guess I don't always have them either!

I just wanted to thank you for what you have written Bev. I needed this reminder to let my kids feel what they feel and not be guilty about it. I am often reminding them to look for the lesson God wants to teach them instead of validating their feelings and helping them to work through them in their own time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. And AMEN!! The struggle is hard enough without other people (who do not live in our world/house everyday) offering their advice or judgment. I used to accept the advice with a smile because I knew they just don't get it, but it gets old. It helps to have a community where there are other parents that get it. They may not completely get our individual situation, but they understand.

"I Wished For you: An Adoption Story" by Marianne Richmond and "God Found Us You" by Lisa Tawn Bergren, Laura J. Bryant.

Both of these were purchased on Amazon. They are very sweet books that talk about the grief of the mom who has given them up as well as the anticipation and joy of the family adopting. My son likes me to read them to him and will even ask me to read one or the other at different times. It has also sparked good conversations.

You are so right Tricia. Thank you for the encouragement!