I so loved reading your story of this special time. I laughed and cried at the photos you shared. Thank you for letting me play a small part of this. It meant and means the world to me!

Thank you for commenting, for your support, and for the thought you left for us to ponder. It is very relevant, important, and scary too.

I am so glad you have shared this here. This is exactly what I would hope my readers would understand.

I so love that you have risen above so many years of abuse to be able to advocate for others. Your story is one that inspires me to post these kinds of posts.

Thank you, LaWayne.

I am so glad for our history, our connection, and our friendship, Carrie. I have always appreciated your perspective and viewpoints from the time when neither of us had important enouh titles that mattered, until now when those titles mean nothing at all.

From: Been There - part 2

The church REALLY IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. Granted, there are always two sides to every story. In many cases, leaders continue to enable the abuser. I strongly believe the church needs to take their heads out of the sand of denial and deal with the pain and heartache of the tender lambs' hearts that are hurting because of abuse

Often the best help for domestic violence is outside the church, unless one is fortunate enough to have a pastor trained in domestic violence and how to deal with it to provide strong accountability. Outside counseling may be best, depending on how much time the pastor can devote to you. I kept going back to my church leadership for over 15 years and kept hitting the same brick wall. Don’t waste time and endure more abuse. If you sense little understanding of the true issues, dust off your feet and pursue help elsewhere. Guard your heart. DON”T continue to open and trust your heart to an abusive pastor. He is not God. Leave the church if necessary.

A great resource for pastoral or lay training can be found by contacting Safe Place Ministries in Boise. They offer training in handling domestic abuse, sexual abuse and sexual assault. Women can also contact them for Christian-based support. Contact them at Phone: 208-323-2169 or Toll Free: 1-888-776-4443

Thanks, Chad, for bring clarity to this issue.

From: Been There

Your last sentence in your follow up says it all as far as the religious community: "...until more church leaders take a stand against domestic abuse they will continue to have a shadow over them as being part of the contributing problem." Scripture says they will be accountable to God for not protecting their sheep. Thanks for writing this article.

I've been married 40+ years. When I struggled there was no help from my Christian evangelical church. The WORST thing they can do is to tell her to be more submissive. I once took my husband before the elders under Matthew 18. The end result was that I was given an accountability partner concerning submission. Yet my husband, because of his charm and way with words to manipulate the circumstances, walked out of the meeting with NO accountability.

Not surprising, those in dysfunctional marriages often struggle with depression and have few friends, as we tend to hide the problem due to shame and embarrassment. When I was 49, I left my husband after 28 years of marriage. I asked for help from my church for a place to stay to heal and grow stronger. They asked, "Don't you have any friends?" "No," I replied. They saw helping me as ENABLING ME. That hurt deeply and I felt abandoned by the very people that I expected to protect and help me.

So I ended up at the Women's Crisis Shelter as a resident and worked their program for 8 months. I learned a lot and benefited greatly by the counsel and programs there. Never once did they advocate “divorce.” We worked on ME to help me heal and get strong enough to stand strong and be more assertive. Though I have a degree, I had been a homemaker, so got my first job and eventually I got a subsidized studio apartment.

My husband and I reconciled 2 yrs and 9 months after I left home. He insisted I return to the church, refusing to look for a mutually agreeable church (more spiritual abuse, unfortunately.) We tried to counsel with two pastors after reconciling and that ended in spiritual abuse of me by the pastors. Abuse was heaped upon abuse. When I burst into tears I was told, “And don’t you cry!) I ended up in professional counseling to heal from that. I felt totally misunderstood, abandoned, and definitely not gently shepherded.

I did leave the church for a few years. Because we were drifting apart, the Holy Spirit urged my return in submission to my husband's spiritual leadership. Though I disagree in my flesh and feel the church is unhealthy, as charter members my husband has a great loyalty to this church. So I go on Sunday with him to facilitate peace and harmony in the relationship, but feel free to take breaks and seek out other avenues of nurture in the Christian community. (That is being assertive to be healthier and applying 1 Cor 10:13....my way of escape when things are tough.) Out of the pain and turmoil, I have begun writing, with hopes of helping other hurting women.

To KNOW THE TRUTH truly CAN set one free. Though my marriage is better, there are still troubled areas. I love my husband and he does love me and is a good man in many ways. But he still denies any kind of "abuse," and bristles at Public Service Announcements or bill boards about abuse. I have my areas of failure as well. We practice forgiveness and unconditional love, which sees us through the rough times.

Since I’ve walked this path I can now encourage other women to do whatever is necessary to get healthy and strong. I reach out one-on-one. When emotions settle and the healing journey has begun, then heads are cooler and more objective to make objective decisions about one's future. Some decisions are very clear cut; others are more difficult. Decisions are heart-wrenching, but must be made.

I am not in physical danger so returned to the marriage. I personally walk a walk of obedience and courage to endure a form of suffering that few understand. One can see bruises and broken bones and bloody lips. Psychological, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse is “hidden abuse. It is very difficult to pinpoint because it often happens behind closed doors. Only the husband and wife know the specifics (and the abuser usually walks in denial and misogynistic arrogance.) Please know that men are also abuse victims, though the vast majority are women due to the power imbalance in many relationships. Only you and the Lord can determine what action is right for you to be healthy and whole.

Ruth, you are such an amazing person and woman. I am always so grateful when you share.

I'll be honest, I've been so ashamed of the Christian community who has condemned Hillary for choosing to work with her husband and get past his well published infidelity. We are the ones who preach staying together and forgiveness, but I've seen so much contention towards her from our community when she has done the very thing we preach about. While I may not agree with Hillary on all of her political stances, I do respect her as a person. Thank you for bringing this up, Ruth.

Ed, It blessed me to see your name. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I love your summary here. Thank you for adding your voice to this.