Just *hugs* from me dear Jess because I'm not sure what else to add to other people's comments. I am so sorry, as always, that food and weight are sources of such constant distress for you, it just sucks beyond words. You have been going through such a lot of stress with the university, ill health and worrying about your Mum recently - I think you have been doing a truly remarkable job of holding things together all things considered! Lots of love, x x x

Hi my dear Jess, I just want to reach out and give you a massive hug... What a horrible time you are having - I wish I could make things better, on all fronts, but sadly all I can do is let you know that I care about you and to reassure you that you are NOT the awful person that you think you are.

What 'cryinginthebathroom' wrote above "it is ok to do that [sod it!] once in a while - I know how much grief it causes you, but it's ok to be human" really struck me as the exact feeling I had when reading your post, but couldn't find the words to express. I can't imagine the stress of living with a Mum who is so ill, when you also have very legitimate problems of your own. I wish that you (both) had some more support - I hope that blogging helps in a small way. You have some wonderful friends all around the world who care about you very much...

Go easy on yourself if you can. Lots of love, x x x

Hi Jess, I'm away for the weekend with my family and trying to have a sneaky blog-read without anyone asking what I'm doing... I don't have time to leave a proper comment but please know I'm thinking of you. Big bear hugs, x x x

Oh Jess, I'm sad that you can still be so viciously angry towards yourself when you are capable of running such a race (especially, as mentioned above, on the back of such a stressful time and the many injuries). I wish you could see the runner that I see when I read your race re-cap and see your pics. I mean, 20 miles? At sub 8min/mile pace? And still able to pick up the pace over the last 3 miles? I'm totally in awe! Give yourself some credit where it is most definitely due! And take care of yourself, okay?

Much love and copious bear-hugs, as always, x x x

Oh no, I left a comment this morning but it looks like it's not shown up... is lost somewhere in your commenting system or should I attempt a recap?

*hugs* in the meantime, hope your weekend has been ok, x x x

Hi dear Jess

I haven't read all of the comments on this post yet because it might lead me into getting sidetracked and I will fail (once again) to leave the comment that I want to... which could basically be summed up as "Look after yourself first, because you will be of no use to anyone if you don't (that's meant in the kindest possible way - that it isn't selfish to do what is right for you). I'm here for you, if there's anything I can do. It WILL be okay in the end." I look forward to going back and reading the above comments though as people never fail to leave wise and insightful comments, which I am sure are useful for lots of other readers too!

I think that your current mental and physical health would definitely be grounds for a deferral or interruption of studies (or whatever it's called at your uni) if you wanted to keep options open for when you are feeling better able to cope or have managed to negotiate a different supervisor. But maybe that idea only appeals to me because of my own inability to make big decisions (especially when I'm not doing very well).

Quitting (it started out as medical leave) my degree at Glasgow quite possibly saved my life, although it was an incredibly difficult decision to take at the time. I had never quit anything before and, like you, feared the judgement of others. It does sound like your parents are supportive of whatever you need to do to avoid a further deterioration of your anxiety problems and that is really good to read.

Making a decision to leave your PhD, permanently or temporarily, should not be seen as failure, but an investment in your future. Pushing yourself to breaking point might seem heroic and the 'right' thing to do, but I think that the most basic thing that we all need to do is to look after ourselves.

I really appreciate how difficult this time will be for you and I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. Keep blogging ;-)

*big hugs*

x x x

Oh gosh. Just re-read my comment and really need to clarify "feel frustrated and angry with you" (2nd para).... what I mean is "I am joining with you in your anger and frustration at the situation" and definitely NOT "I am frustrated and angry at Jess". I hope that the context of all previous communication between us would have made that obvious, but just incase you thought I'd had some kind personality malfunction... Phew, this written communication thing really IS a minefield - I try to be less self-editing, re-writing, etc and look what a howler I come up with!! Bear fail. Sorry about that.

x x x

Hi dear Jess,

I will join with everyone else who has said that really, honestly, you look slim and athletic, and that the way you describe yourself sounds so much at odds with what we see.

But I do feel frustrated and angry with you that you aren't able to experience the comfort and reassurance of some stability with your weight, despite trying so hard to make things work. I agree with the several commenters who have said that you are over-training but I don't know enough about biology/physiology to say exactly what effect that would have on metabolism and weight. I guess it makes sense that a body which knows it will be put through double-digit mileage as well as several hours other exercise every day will want to hold on to all the energy it can... I do understand and sympathise with how difficult it is to break these compulsive routines (and I know that you need some exercise to help manage your back problems) but I do believe that finding a way to manage a reduced amount of exercise will be vital for your future health, both physical and emotional. And I'm sorry that I don't think that is what you would like to hear. I'm here for you if there's any way I can help or support you.

Lots of love, x x x

PS. Congratulations on the assessed lecture - really well done in the midst of such stress! *hugs*

Dearest Jess, I'm so sorry to hear how awful you are feeling and, like everyone else who has commented above, I wish that I could help you practically in some way (please get in touch if there's anything I can do, or if you want to chat). I feel certain that there ARE ways in which life can begin to feel more bearable, and even bring you joy... and I really don't want you to miss out on that! I'm sure that from the position of despair and anguish that you are in right now it will not feel like anything can get better, but that thinking is as much a symptom of your mood problems as the horrible feelings themselves. I think it would be worth re-visiting any sources of support that are available (gp, ed service, charities) because you do need lots of help to fight your way out of this dark place. Don't be afraid to lean on the friends that you have made through blogging - we care about you and value you very much. I hope that you can feel some of the love and care and gentle hugs that I am trying to send with this comment.

x x x

My dear Jess, I am very worried about you (please do not apologise for 'making me' worry, it is my choice to consider you a friend and to be concerned about your wellbeing). This pressure that you put on yourself to run is clearly causing you so much pain, physically and emotionally, but I also know that this 'drive' is beyond your control to a large extent... All I can do is reassure you that NOT running does not make you a wuss, it was by far the best thing that you could have done for your body. It sounds like you need a lot of help and support right now - I hope that blogging (and the wonderful, caring, intelligent and empathetic comments that you receive - proof that you are very valued) will help in some way. If I can provide a listening ear please give me a shout! Please try to take as good a care of yourself as you possibly can, x x x