That was a beautiful letter, Lori. I live next door to my mother because we wanted our children to be near the one grandparent that was still living, and she has totally rejected me because we made different choices than she for the sake of our children. Yesterday my children and I tried to go over to her house with some flowers and she slammed the door in our faces. I have been used to this for a number of years, but each time it happens it hurts freshly. I have to accept it, and while time does make it easier and I have to learn that's just the way it is sometimes, I often wish I didn't have to see her most of the time.

Thanks for the great link to the accountability software; I am looking into it now. We don't have tablets or phones with textability (is that a word?) and the computer for the children has no Internet access.

I'm so sorry, Katie. I will be sure to include you in prayer and that you have at least one humorous incident each day to bring you laughter in this time.

During our church mission, we received admonition to, as it was said, "lose yourself completely in the serving of your husband, children and family." However, there is the problem of spending increasing amounts of time cooking and baking special food, not getting enough sleep as a result of chores that extend far into the night, and caring for everyone that needs to be cared for (which also brings into play an elderly sick parent, which often becomes a factor as well). In the process of "losing yourself completely in the serving of your husband, children and family" along with the extra tasks that the current wife and mother must now undertake due to the toxic culture, you can very rapidly have one sick Mom on your hands -- or, at the least, one exhausted Mom dragging from one place to the other, one task to the other.

Frequently we are reminded and admonished to be sure our husbands have a chance to rest and relax, in his favorite chair with a cold (or hot) drink (I'm saying cold here because it's starting to get quite warm here). However, the chores don't just end, and Mom is the least likely to see to her own needs. And I must say that when Mom gets sick or exhausted, it is rare that someone sees.

This is important, as my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer (and in the late stage) finally after her exhaustion became so pronounced that it could no longer be ignored. She couldn't get out of bed finally, and no longer had any energy to prepare dinner. That's when people worried. She had AML leukemia, plus breast cancer, and sadly did not live to see her grandchildren.

I am not saying that this could have been avoided -- it probably would not have been -- had someone noticed, but remember to draw the line between doing for others and becoming a martyr, eventually sacrificing your own life and removing yourself from the picture completely. There is such a thing as too much giving. It is important to not do for others what they can and ought to do for themselves.

I think of things in terms of twenty-four hours. I am in a very difficult marriage. I am in a church where we are regularly admonished sternly about obedience and submission as wives and the husbands are only instructed as to their responsibilities to provide and raise their children. They are never told about a wife's need for love, affection or anything (I also am denied physical intimacy as well) -- it is not unfrequent that I am scolded, admonished and punished mentally, emotionally and verbally. Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

But what helps is remembering that we can manage anything in twenty-four hours. When I get up in the morning I pray, "Lord, please get me through the next twenty-four hours." That's it. Don't think in terms of days, weeks, months, years, a lifetime. This is what discourages you, allows Satan to get into your mind, and starts tempting you to consider divorce. Sometimes even the twenty-four hours is too much -- in which case, just ask the Lord to get you through the next fifteen minutes. Sometimes I have to do this. This week we had a week-long session of sermons in which we were admonished yet again, and I was very depressed last night. Couldn't sleep. I was in tears a great deal, just begging God to give me something, anything, to show that my husband loved me. That's when I remembered about just getting through the next fifteen minutes. And it helped a lot. I'm just going to get through today focusing on fifteen-minute increments -- already it has helped me get out of bed, get dressed, put on some shoes, comb my hair, fix breakfast, get his lunch ready and get some laundry hung on the line. Hopefully that will help me get through some algebra with my pre-teen.....although I have to admit I wonder if even a fifteen-minute focusing will help there.....thanks, love to you.

For a long time in our marriage, I combined working outside the home, working inside the home, caring for babies, homeschooling and doing all the traditional home chores a wife and mother does. At present, I now no longer work outside the home, but all the rest are on the table. I must bring in income for many reasons that are too long to describe here, and while I am frequently VERY overwhelmed (and I'm the only "working for pay" Mom among the mothers in our church), I have to say I find it all rather exhilarating. I know the situation isn't going to change anytime soon, and when I had to work outside the home, the kids were only able to have a bare-bones education with homeschooling. But with not having to go out to work now, we are able to do a lot more, and finally things seem to be falling into place....it's taken me years to get to where I didn't feel like I was spinning plates! It's a lot easier now that I have older children who are able to really help -- before their "help" made more work and I would often try to prevent them from helping in some of my most difficult moments. I'll probably always have to be sure I'm earning income and a certain amount of it, but I know I can handle it because I have so much inspiration from others who've been there before. He is risen, Alleluia!

Hi Lori, I read the discourse. It's almost word for word what I was admonished to read years ago.....I am really not in love with my husband anymore except for what my obligation is to desire his eternal salvation; I really am not looking for any restoration anymore. It was not a good place to be. But I wanted to tell you that I appreciated your suggestions and wish you all the best. I am very happy for you and for all the ladies here. But I'm ready to move on pretty much, although I'll always be faithful to my vows and never leave, but I'm going to find my happiness in my children and doing what God wants me to do, fill my day with as many creative and church activities always with other women. God has given me so many consolations and has shown me I don't need my husband's love or my parents' love to live a life of great abundance. I'm happy.

I read "Created" as one of the first I read, and I think that got me in the worst situation, frankly. He ate it up, and I was a drained, exhausted mess "doing" it all. I still have the book and read it from time to time, but my husband took full advantage of it and before a month was up I was exhausted. I can't go down that road again anytime soon. Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood is a lot more realistic, although Debi Pearl is spot on about learning how to do manly type chores -- the part where I disagree with Helen Andelin. I can repair most normal things in the house myself, with a few exceptions.

My husband, I might add, is AMAZINGLY talented....he can fix anything, make anything and grow anything (he could grow a tomato out of garden filled with cement, I am convinced). He repairs every vehicle we have ever owned, and he's not a mechanic by trade; just purchases the Hanes manual and reads it until he's got it down. His Mom was a superb cook; his ideal job would be to own and operate a restaurant. He taught me how to cook -- and I still don't measure up, so on weekends he does it because he doesn't think I can do a good enough job. To which I finally learned to say, oh well. (I homeschool six different grade levels right now with classical education and we school for a long time each day -- our lunch hour is long because I'm usually so out of it! :-) He wanted me to homeschool, by the way; I was a homeschool graduate, but I do not believe it is the one and only way for every child. He was schooled at private and public schools, and believes homeschooling is the only way. So, we homeschool everybody.

I'll consider the other book you mentioned, but I have to honestly say I really don't care anymore. I worked my way through the jealously part, and then worked my way through most of the "I want a marriage relationship" part, and now I'm at the "I'm at peace" part. As a matter of fact, I sort of like it that way....makes life a lot easier.....but I'll think about it.

That was a lovely post. My husband and I have never danced together ever in thirteen years. I used to ask him, but I've learned to stop asking. We weren't allowed to dance at our wedding (my parents were diehard anti-dancing and they called the shots for the reception). I have to admit that on the occasions when he's gone for a week or so (which is rare) I don't miss him at all. I feel kind of relieved. He doesn't love me anymore, and I've about broken my neck working on all the stuff in all the books. I have compromised my health (sleep mostly) and a lot of the things I need to do with the kids (we homeschool) in order to cater to everything he likes. He finally asked me one day to leave the bedroom because I rolled too much and it disturbed his sleep when the bed moved, so I went out to the living room sofa, which was hard at first, but I would just get a stack of books and read until I fell asleep on the sofa. Now I sleep great there without the aid of reading. First off I was practically clawing at anything I could get hold of to "get it back", but now I'm at peace. I have more time to spend with the children, being out on the sofa gets me more sleep and I started focusing on more things that I could do that brought me joy. The most difficult thing is when I start wanting a marriage relationship again and THAT is what is hard....I always end up trying to connect and later wishing I hadn't. *sigh* He gets very angry when I try. So when I want to connect, I go for a good run or do another type of workout, which makes me feel a LOT better. I'm so happy you all have such happy marriages.....it's taken me a long time to be able to observe happily married people or read about them without struggling against jealousy. I think I'm over that now.