I go through phases of figuring things out and then falling back into this whole list of loneliness and confusion. Everything you said is me, and the person you responded to, too. I'm 32. I don't have a partner (not a life partner - a still new and "what will come of this oh I'm so anxious" relationship after what feels like a lifetime of traumatic relationships). I don't want children. I had come to a place of comfort, of realizing my 20s were about figuring all this shit out, relief to be in my 30s and finally starting to figure out what I want and growing a goddamned spine...

But yeah, my chosen family is scattered all over the globe. My friends disappear as they marry and have children. I don't want children. I don't want marriage (life partner yes, but not for the SAKE of it -- I know I don't want to settle!), but the pressure is daunting, and the result is loneliness. And these potentially toxic people who are left, how can I cut them out if that means isolating myself even more?

I have fears. I have a lot of fears.

The Piano is the Designated Driver Tonight

do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME

I AM LITERALLY FIGURATIVELY DYING. poor ada lovelace.