VLADIMIR NABOKOV

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury! Humbert Humbert does not claim to recognise the addressor of this malicious missive (though predictably, he suspects the quaverous, quivering Quilty). Hum also denies any comprehension as to the callous captor's malignant motives in abducting lovely Lotte, lyrical Lo – that is to say, Lolita, light of his life, fire of his loins, etc. etc. etc. (repeat till the page is full, printer) – but nonetheless maintains that if this imperious instigator, this kitschy kidnapper, this quasi-Quilty is seeking la rançon in return for the denial of dear diaphanous Dolly's death, he will not recieve it. H.H. posesses no fair fortune, no towering heap of glossy, gleaming, honey-hued capital coins, no brimful of banknotes, no crumpled, cream-coloured cheques, no dollars, doubloons, dirhams, or drachmas – he is, for all intents and purposes, sans argent.
Yet Humbert Humbert, garrulous gentleman he is, hailing from euphonous Europe, does posess a savvy, sagacious set of skills, acquired across a long, lavish life (a princedom by the sea, a lycée in Lyon, a ponderous passage in Paris) with all those happy boons and benefits granted by a proper classical education (you can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style) – skills that would have Humbert seem to Quilty a positive phantasmagoria, an artist and a madman (a bird, a very bird!).
I, Humbert Humbert, therefore propose that if Quilty (or whoever you are) chooses to return my darling Dolores (standing four feet ten in one sock), this feeble farce will come to an end. If, however, C.Q. chooses la route de l'enfer and elects not to reimburse my russet nymphet, he must know that Humbert Humbert will arrive one damp, chilly April evening outside the Quilty residence, an exceptionally handsome male (standing six feet five with one revolver), and in the shivering glaucous gloom will administer le coup.
You broke her heart. I will merely break your life."