Hey nickels,

This is true and it applies both ways, of course.

"simply selfish, controlling, compassionless"

Partners who consistently show up with these traits are at risk for being left behind. The empathy I have for them is that, while they can make choices, they have arrived at this place in their life due to a lot of difficult history - rough baggage. However, at some point a person must decide if they want to be and WILL be a partner who deserves romance, attention, affection, acceptance, support and approval. It's hard to expect those things if you refuse to BE those things. And if you GIVE those things without any response or reciprocation, you've got to decide if you will allow the rest of your life to be lived that way.

Killer article, Ms. Grace!!

I know many, many men who are standing and cheering right now - in a very manly, non-vulnerable way, however.

Hi Bill,

Thanks for the feedback! No, I haven't, but Grace may.

I've read about 3 of Deida's books, but not that one. What did you like most about it?

Steve

nice, Jes. Very nicely said.

Your point about finding strength in vulnerability is "dead nuts, balls on accurate" for both men and women.

(name that movie reference ;^) )

Being vulnerable for a man doesn't make him more like a woman. It allows him to share the best parts of his masculinity without fear or shame. And women dig that!

Dear Ms. Cooley,

You ARE a good writer. Very good.

I can't believe you posted this today. Read your email and you'll know why.

Great job, here, by the way!

Hi Bob,
I had sent a very detailed response that didn't seem to post.

Bottom line buddy, your hope is NOT lost. My marriage ended after 28+ years and I felt the same. Our chronic illness was ignorance, fear, resentment, and walled off hearts. There is always hope and a solid man of value like you has many options to take his purpose forward both inside and outside of your relationship. Karma? The universe, god, the divine, etc. WANTS you to move forward, be happy, and give your gifts. I don't know your specifics...but THIS I know.

I get what you're saying, John, and it's honest and vulnerable. If I've learned anythings so far in this life it is that "entwined and balanced" is a result of conscious effort - constantly. Especially in a LTR, couples must understand their power to GIVE to each other choose to do it without expectation. There will always be imbalance. We don't stop giving at the 50 yard line. No such thing as 50-50. It's 100-100.

We balance each other when we accept the mutual responsibility to understand, respect, and attempt to meet each other's needs. With this energy present, there is no need for scorecards or balance sheets.

Hi Bob,
Your pain oozed through your keyboard and caught me right in the gut. I'm sorry for the pain you both have been suffering. Chronic illness can hit any of us at any time. I was together for 28 yrs. when my marriage crashed around me. Our illness was chronic ignorance, apathy, and emotional pain - both of us. Sounds like you've given your heart and soul to your relationship which is commendable and loving.

One correction, though. There IS hope. Plenty of if. Working out your karma doesn't mean you deserve to be sad or lonely. The universe, God, the Divine, etc. does not want that for you. You've done a great job of living so far and from a strong place of love. You can continue that effort for the rest of your life in other ways. Assuming you plan to stay together, there is much in this world a solid man like you can do to give, love, inspire, receive, and grow. Whether you believe it right now or not doesn't matter. The truth is you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and if you really want it, it is there for the taking.

I know. I haven't a clue about your specifics. I do know without a doubt that there is plenty of hope left for you - fulfillment, happiness...the whole thing. Nobody in your circle of love should want less for you. If they do, perhaps they should not be in your circle.

Boy, John, you covered a lot of ground there.

Why can't a woman be more like a man? Because she's a woman. In our hetero case, she wants to be cherished by a man. She wants to feel his respect and adoration. She wants him to WANT her, but not NEED her. She wants to feel emotionally and physically safe in his presence.

AND, she wants him to be operating by his own values, within his own purpose, and not give a flying crap about the "hoops" she may or may not be hoping he jumps through.

When I work with men struggling with their woman (just ONE woman, not all of them), I emphasize the importance of knowing what FEELINGS he is intentionally trying to create within her. Feelings are her romantic language with him. If he helps her to feel good feelings, great. If he helps her to feel bad feelings, not so great.

But THAT assumes he is a man who genuinely holds an unalterable value (Value #1) of consciously choosing thoughts, words, and behaviors that create GOOD feelings in that woman.

If he does not choose to hold that value, I highly recommend he pursues a romantic relationship with himself. This doesn't make him a bad man, a loser, or a pussy. It just makes him irrational to be hanging around and complaining about women. He can easily live a great life without them.

Now. Let's say this same guy also has an unalterable value (Value #2) that the woman he chooses to have in his life will also be "conscious" enough to understand his needs. His value may be, "I will choose to stay with a woman who consistently demonstrates that she is willing and capable of understanding and meeting my needs in a relationship."

This guy doesn't have to woo anyone. He doesn't have to jump through any hoops not of his design He doesn't have to react to her whims.

He simply chooses to consistently think, speak, and act in accordance with his value #1 no matter what she does or doesn't do. Value #1 is HIS hoop, his whim, his expectation of himself.

It's only this guy who deserves to adopt value #2. We don't meet women half way. We give them 100% of who we are and who we will be. Then they have the choice to do the same with us. We invite them. We don't beg them, plead with them, bend over backwards, or EXPECT them to do anything.

That's the guy Grace is referring to. He is the one with whom most women can feel safe and trusting and attracted.

Guess what ladies, when you are able to adopt this same energy in your unique, feminine way, you've got us is the palm of your hand...so to speak.

Hi John, I appreciate your thoughtful response. Grace can surely speak for herself, but I'd like to share my view.
Just as I tried to reveal the truth in a man's heart which is craving her touch and appreciation, Grace is revealing the truth in the hearts of many women. While her explanation was from the head, a woman who feels untrusting and unsafe in a relationship is feeling from her heart. I coach men on why that can happen and what skills they need to be able to empathize and give her the energy she needs to overcome her fears. This is where people either love or hate my horse training analogies. In our story, it helps a man to know that she wants to give him what he desires, but often, she needs him to go first. Emotional safety is, above all else, what she seeks.

Love what you said about looking to others for her power. That's exactly what Grace does for women and helps them understand that sometimes it is THEY who must step up and go first. Their power is undeniable.

Thanks again for your input! SO appreciated.