Apparently I need to start reading scottish novels.

My fiance's lifelong best friend died suddenly and tragically several years ago. While there was an outpouring of love and support within his hometown community (in NJ), when we were back home in NYC all of our friends seemed to be paralyzed by the bystander effect. I think everyone thought we were getting our support from elsewhere - in reality we weren't getting any support. My fiance's parents weren't handling it well, my fiance's friends from home didn't want to talk about it because they were all devastated, my fiance's best friend's family was actually the most supportive but we were trying to support THEM instead of the other way around, since they had lost their son/brother.

My main takeaway is - if you are at all close enough to someone who is grieving to wonder if you should reach out, then you should reach out. Do not fall victim to the bystander effect. Grief is a sustained emergency - be there as much as you can be without sacrificing your own life and health. Every day is not too much to text to see how they're doing. Every week is not too much for six months afterward. Every month is still not too much for my fiance, and we're about 2 1/2 years out.

People who are grieving are constantly coming up against more grief - when his friend would have turned 25, when he would have called to tell him we are engaged, when he would have asked him to be his best man, when he would have talked to him about career choices, when he would have wanted him to visit our new apartment - all of that is new grief and deserved support and attention. It doesn't take a lot - I general stick with "I've been thinking about your best friend this week. I wish I could have known him better. I would love to hear more stories about him if anything has come to mind lately. I love you." Sometimes he does have a story to tell me, sometimes he doesn't. Every single time I reach out, my fiance hugs me longer than normal and every once in a while, out of the blue he'll thank me for remembering his best friend. Don't be afraid to be that person for your friend.

Edited to add: Use technology to your advantage! I have a weekly reminder on my phone to check in, and google events with reminders a week before (to get a card ready for his friend's family) and the day of for his birthday and anniversary of his death. And I'm the griever's fiance and live with him, so I would imagine this might be even more helpful for friends who have their own lives.

our upstairs neighbors were named Chi Chi and bobby, except bobby didn't really seem to live there and they were some kind of business partners whose business involved buying tvs from like Sam's club and then selling them to people in white vans on the street outside. They eventually got evicted for not paying rent, and my roommate and I were both home on the day they had to move out. We listend as bobby yelled at Chi Chi for hours about how no one was going to kick him out of his house and they couldn't do anything about it. The landlord called the police, and when the police went upstairs, they wouldn't open the door. They stood outside telling them to open the door for like 10 minutes, and when they finally got inside, bobby was nowhere to be found. They searched for like 45 minutes, all the while Chi Chi was begging them to let her stay. The police escorted her outside with her dog and a backpack, and as they stood outside talking to our landlord, BOBBY JUMPED FROM SOMEWHERE ON THE SECOND FLOOR INTO OUR BACKYARD! My roommate and I looked at him, he looked at us, and then he jumped over the fence into the next yard and started climbing the next fence after that. There were probably 20 fences he would need to jump before reaching a street. We went and told the police in the driveway. Then bobby came back and stood in our backyard while talking on a cell phone, looking up at the second story window as if he wanted to get back up there. We stared at him through the window and he went away. Chi chi and bobby turned out to be the quietest upstairs neighbors we had.

THANK YOU bookmarked and making ASAP!!

Y'all are the actual best. Thank you!! Now I just have to choose and am almost wishing we got more than one...bulb?

How can you post a picture of such delicious soup and NOT THE RECIPE?? PLEASE? Also, I got fennel in my CSA this week and while I try to love all vegetables, it just tastes like nyquil to me. Anyone have any ideas on usage?

Lane. LAAAANE. Currently rewatching Gilmore Girls (because WHO ISN'T) and my boyfriend keeps saying how much he loves Lane and how awesome life will be for her when she's an adult and gets out of the house and I just look away and weep.

AMERICAN HUSTLE YES. I was so confused in the movie theater when it was over. It was like a stampede of actors all trying to show how amazing they are and crushing everything and everyone in the process.

A League of Their Own, sadly. Just watched it a few weeks ago and was so excited and was all YES WOMEN IN BASEBALL ROCKING IT LET'S DO THIS and then....meh.

Also Sleepless in Seattle. And Goodfellas.

That interview is CRAZY BANANAS and I must email it to every single person I know right this second. He can't even get his own argument straight, saying in one paragraph that people don't need to "be an alien" to write about them and then saying it's predatory that none of the writers are indian on that show????? He literally just talks in circles trying desperately to create a viable world in which white men can and should be the creators of everything because THAT'S actually the way it's "supposed to be."