Sometimes I wonder if there is something inherently unlovable about me. I mean I'm sure everyone else does as well, from time to time. But like... well the different kind of love. I dont care much for romantics, but friendship? Well damn I just suck on every count of it. I feel as though I'm a really good pillar to get your bearings on before you dive back out in the the world. And that's not to say only people who are broken are my friends. It's more towards, I'm a comfort when their life is unstable and beyond that I'm not worth it. Not worth keeping up. And God do I sound like a broken record but Em just has always felt different. Which is exactly why its always been so hard. My past made it difficult for me to trust, but... after Em it just never felt easy to believe in any trust I actually felt. Maybe I want a relationship, maybe I want a friendship... maybe i just...

Want a hug. A hug that tells me everything will be ok, and even if its not...

Well I can always get another one.

FRIENDSHIP BRACELET! BITCH I CALLED IT!

Havent been sleeping the best lately. I thought perhaps I was just getting sick, part of me knows it cause I havent had melatonin in awhile. But still I shouldn't 'need' extra melatonin to sleep. That's just an excellent sign that my body needs to suck it up and deal with being normal for like a day.

I mean it doesnt help this whole, safety issue. My mind probably saw this coming. I mean I always know it's out there. Something exists to remind me that it could always be taken away and sometimes instead of reminding, it just takes. And takes. And takes.

I wonder what will happen this time. Seems like a pretty downward slope but I cant quite tell if what I see as the bottom will just drop out from under me the moment I hit it. My stomach is in knots and I'm more tired then ever but it makes no difference. I wont be getting sleep. And the few winks I might grab will be fitful as they have been.

I could cling to the hope that I might actually be able to find safety in just a couple more months but even that I know is a lie
I always see something in the future, an escape, but I'll never get there. I never do. I just trudge forward, letting life drag me to whatever else hell it decides it wants to try next.

Part of me feels like I deserve it. I shouldn't be craving safety or happiness, I shouldn't be desiring those things and even go so far as to fool myself into thinking I had them when so many others suffer worse then me. And back and forth it goes. My mind on a devilish seesaw. I want to feel safe I deserve to feel safe vs I dont deserve anything and I shouldn't fool myself.

Ip and down.

Up and down.

You want to know what's absolute bullshit? The fact that I work with a bunch of pissface moaners. I've been in this upper position a little under 5 months. Yeah some people should've gotten the swing of things by now, I get that. I'm getting paid more therefore i have more responsibility. But you fuck up one thing and I either get passive aggressive note leaving or a bullshit 'This is unacceptable' text. You know what?! We work fucking together asshat. That's the point of having multiple people. And guess what?! When others fuck up I... get this... fix their mistakes and dont bother them about it.

Cause guess what. Life is hard and it sucks and sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes stuff just sucks to do and so I'll go right ahead and do it for them.

But no. I mess up on one thing on a fucking shitty ass morning shift (Which btw I was never and still havent been fully trained on, I was thrown in blindly and expected to do everything perfectly to get the day running which is total fucking crap) and I get torn a new one?

Fuck that shit. I listen to you bitch 24/7 about your life and how luch others suck and how much you want to quit and whatnot and feel bad and you turn around and do this? That's some serious bullshit.

Stress is down quite a bit. Feeling much better though honestly I probably could do with a week off of work. :/

Thought I got it all out. I was wrong. I want to complain moreeeeeee.

1. My truck breaks are going out and I dont have the time to fix them causing immense stress and panic.
2. I need to get my shit together to move but I dont have time to causing stress and panic.
3. Everyone around me is in an awful mood causing me to bottle up my feelings in an attempt to make them feel better.
4. I fucking dropped my phone in a pile of shit yesterday. And by pile, I mean a bucket full of about 4 pounds of shit and chemical water and it stayed there.

For 3 hours.

Because no one wanted to help me look for it.

Hmmm. What else.
Besides my mind going to all sorts of fucking awful places, not for me but for literally everything else I think the lesson here is I'm stressed.b

Something gives me the awful feeling my dad ain't going to make it much longer. And I'm here stuck with a bunch of pansy ass coworkers who as soon as they have to work hard turn into complainers as if they have a fucking reason their life sucks more then anyone else's out there. Pull up your God damn big kid pants and deal with it or get out cause I ain't in the mood to pamper your damn ass.

Oh god... I feel sick.
It's been 6 years since I was friends with Emily.
Now it's been 3 years since I've actually seen her. Why am I still so torn up about her? I still miss her. To the point where I'm getting physically sick thinking about it.

I feel creepy. This has got to be unhealthy. I mean imagine if she knew I missed her so much. She probably be worried sick. Like oh God i was friends with a physcopathic stalkerish person.

I'm just depressed and i suppose its closely linked to Em. But still. Someone should like get rid of me.

Edit: Nevermind. Figured out why I'm so torn up today of all days.
Its snowing outside.

Like, just plain pettiness mean.
The funny thing is there is a part of me that really wants to lead because I have ideas and experiences that I think could work well in a leadership position.

And then there is the part of me that's just like, "Plebs I can do so much better then you. Then you could see just how unfair a leader can be." But she only comes out when Polars really sad and just wants control again.

Actually most of it is just mean. So yeah, not so much fun. ;×;