I'm a first-gen Chinese-Canadian woman who is getting married soon to a white man, so this is super relevant to my interests! Thank you for a super thoughtful conversation and for providing this space.

The notion that others assume that we DON'T already spend so much time thinking about these issues is, I think, one of the most infuriating things to me, even as I recognize that I fall into similar traps when faced with others in my situation. (Something something fundamental attribution error.) My partner and I participate in a sport that, for whatever reason, seems to have a disproportionate amount of Asian women/white men pairs, and I confess to feeling incredibly self-conscious when there are a lot us in the space, like we're intentionally performing a stereotype. And while I know a roughly equal proportion of East-Asian women dating white men as the inverse, and have dated my fair share of either, when I notice East-Asian men with white girlfriends I give a tiny internal cheer and then mentally kick myself for upholding white supremacy even when I'm trying to be an ally.

We're lucky that our friends are generally enlightened and non-shitty, though we've certainly gotten some ignorant comments from family (not to mention dirty looks when we're holding hands in public). And while I enjoy the idea of joining our families together via a hyphenated name in theory, my external identity as A Chinese Woman is too important for me to "dilute" (despite the delicious SEO boost I would no doubt receive from our ridiculous combination). It was an odd realization for me to come to, because I would by no means describe myself as being in tune with my cultural heritage. But having already swapped my first name for a super generic common English name, I also really don't want to give up any more of my born(e) identity.

This shit is hard, yo.

Stranger on the subway who is super excited that you are reading a book they really love in public and you gush about the book together for a while but then you don't know how to awkwardly go back to reading that book you really want to read.

Stranger on the subway who is super excited that you are reading a book they really love in public and you don't know how to tell them that you think it's terrible so you smile kind of awkwardly and get off earlier than you mean to.

That person whose post you liked because Facebook's stupid algorithm showed you that your friend liked or commented on it and you realize belated you have no idea who they are and you just liked a stranger's post and you spend about 10 anxious minutes worrying about whether to unlike it before they notice but you really did like what they had to say.

Friend-of-a-friend you've never spoken to directly but who always has your back in exasperating FB arguments about social issues with mutual friends who have no idea what they're talking about.

Friend of a friend you've met once but you have a total crush on their social media presence and now you don't know how much to interact with them without coming off creepy.

This is a precious precious gift.

This hit close to home. I have a hard time with spending money on nice things for myself, as I'm sure do many women. I still want them, but (issues with materialist consumer culture aside) usually only end up spending money on things I can justify as being utilitarian somehow. The concept of getting myself something nice for no reason other than because it brings me joy feels like the height of luxury, even if it's something that won't cause me financial hardship. There's a lot of "you don't deserve this" programming to unlearn.

My partner recently convinced me to buy myself a beautiful leather moto jacket (they are so fantastic, aren't they?). I haven't worn it yet - the weather's been too cold - but every time I think of it I get a little thrill, like it's a reminder of a tiny triumph against my upbringing. It's nice.

You really CAN'T win. I was good at art but not music, decent at maths and science but much better at English and French, my parents were scientists but I worked in accounting (not anymore), and I was a total goody-two-shoes in school and took all the advanced classes but I also dyed my hair weird colours and wore a choker and wrote angry feminist blog posts. It seemed like I simultaneously embodied all the stereotypes and defied all of them, but no matter what side of me people saw, there was some way to tie it back into the fact that I was Chinese. And not, you know, the fact that I am me. Bah.

I appreciate the tip! It's funny, my realization about make-up came around the same time when I also started trying much harder to live the "I am here for other women" model discussed in the Hairpin the other day (http://thehairpin.com/2014/10/let-me-love-you), so instead of silently resenting my more traditionally beautiful friends I think I may reach out for some help and communal experimenting instead :) resources are definitely welcome.

I think one of the frequently-overlooked harms of the model minority myth is that it makes it so easy for people to dismiss and belittle achievements of AAPI. Oh, you got a good grade on that test? You got into a good college? You got a scholarship? Well yeah, it's because you're Asian. (No, it's because I busted my ass studying, you dumb fuck.) All of our individual effort is reduced to some mythologized ability we naturally have to be Good At Certain Things - but never great, never the best. It's almost analogous to the "twice as good" syndrome that is foisted upon the black community (but obviously nothing equivalent).

And don't even get me started on the "you're not good at math, your ancestors must be furious" bullshit.

I also didn't realize until fairly recently that I wasn't naturally inept at make-up, that my face isn't naturally wrong, but that the tutorials I was reading were not designed for my facial structure. Kevin AuCoin's fantastic fascinating make-up bible touted by everyone? Not written for me. I think make-up is kind of a fascinating art, in that it's an actual ART, but I kind of despair for myself ever learning the skill, even with the proliferation of fantastic tools like YouTube videos. I've spent so many of my younger years disappointed and frustrated at a face that just would not work that even knowing that it's white supremacy and not something inherent to me I don't know if I want to put myself through that again. (I just get cool glasses now, instead.)