Short answer: I do believe that adopting through domestic foster care circumnavigates a lot of potential issues with adoption. It basically ensures that large sums of money are not being exchanged for the procurement of a child, as well as ensuring that the child in question actually, legitimately, needs a family and is not "available for adoption" due to coercion from an agency or the coercive forces of economics or negative associations some societies still harbor toward single motherhood.

Longer answer: There is more to say on it, though. There are probably some private agencies that are more ethical than others, but weeding through them one by one is something much more involved. Also, some things I am ethically uncomfortable with may not be issues for some prospective adoptive parents.

To me, an adoption is ethical when the focus is on finding a family for a child that needs one, rather than procuring a child for a parent who wants one. I also believe that an ethical adoption is one that does not erase the child's pre-adoption identity. To me, knowledge of his or her origins should be as complete as humanly possible, and ties to biological relatives maintained (unless there is a compelling reason such as safety, to sever them). To me, an ethical adoption should not require tens of thousands of dollars from anyone. And an ethical adoption is one where if the child is placed as a newborn by the first mother, the placement is done completely free of any coercion by adoption agencies, family attorneys, prospective adoptive parents, or even the mother's own family. I would also be much more comfortable knowing that a first mother who voluntarily places a child for adoption has been made fully aware of any social resources available to her that would help her parent her child if she wants to.

To some prospective adoptive parents, one or more of these issues are not a big deal. So the bar for an ethical adoption may be set at a different level for some. But I am heartened to see that many prospective adoptive parents are asking more questions, and asking them publicly. Because any reform of the way we practice adoption in the US is going to come from those hoping to adopt, as they are the clients and target audience for most adoption-related services.

you are doing god's work here. This pie reminds me of what a creme brulee pie would taste like.

"I find it hard to even write the word grateful in an email..." oh man. Yes.

Once I tried to explain to a friend that the Thanksgiving tradition of going around a table and saying what everyone is grateful for was excruciating for me. Invariably everyone before me would say that they were grateful for their family, a constant reminder that I could never be with my family on a holiday like that, not in the way I would want to be, anyway. There is always someone missing. And it makes me sad in front of other people, which makes other people uncomfortable, and making other people uncomfortable is anathema to me, so really it's not my favorite.

It's a truly difficult piece to write. Because the practice is so varied. But generally I think one can avoid most un-ethical practices by adopting through foster care and by committing to being open and honest with the adopted person about what is known of their origins, even if it is a tough conversation to have.

"I was actually having a discussion about the US adoption-relinquishment practices and my colleagues.... " -- honestly, that is a huge step right there.

I have heard that adoption as it is practiced in the US does not really exist in other countries, though I have never had anyone line it out so well before. Thanks for sharing with us (and others, especially those that may not want to hear it. you are my hero).

Aw, thanks for the mention, lady :)

thanks for all the kind comments, everyone. Here's an update; we did actually get a better photo later this summer: https://twitter.com/bekhenson/status/662644768309...

I don't think this piece is in any way arguing that children should remain in abusive situations, whether they are in a biological family or not.

Great, great piece. I agree with absolutely everything you said. As a fellow adult adoptee, I understand just how tricky and slippery it is to unpack complicated discussions like this. Especially because The Adoption Narrative wants to tend toward Meme-ability and soundbites.

I am sure a lot of it is editing for drama, but yeah. Everything you said.
She would have earned back some massive points in my book if instead of falling to pieces with her cabin and garden cake she said she *meant* for it to look like Jacob's Creepy Haunted Cabin from Lost.