I just want someone to look at me the way the woman in #1 looks at the middle distance.

Thank you so much for this. As a queer cis male, I understand 100% that these spaces aren't for me. I hate the idea that I might be colonizing a space that wasn't meant for me, and I try my best to be cognizant of those situations and deal with them (while understanding that my privilege may sometimes blind me to certain issues).

That said...I wish these types of spaces wouldn't call themselves queer spaces, generally. I am queer. I've worked hard throughout my life to come to terms with my identity and what it means to me, and to be told that I'm not welcome in a space set out for queers makes me feel like my identity is a sham. Like I'm lying about it. I know it's not about me and my feelings, and I have so much privilege in so many walks of life that to quibble about this is petty, but it still does hurt. I wish people would just call it a "women, trans, genderqueer" space or something else more specific that allows the organizers to create the type of space they want without denying people access to their own identities, rather than a "queer space" where the rules are no cis men. I'm proud of being queer, and I won't let straight people take that away from me, and I really hope queer people won't either.

All of that said, I rarely see this out in the world, so it's ultimately a tiny issue, driven by my own insecurities. I just wanted to share. And thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic - I hadn't thought about it in quite the same terms before.

Yes! And I hope I didn't imply I was equating queerness and transness...I just have a bad habit of using slashes instead of "ands" when I write. Thanks again, and I hope that intensity continues to be a source of joy for you!

Emily, thank you so much for this! I don't think I really realized until I read your story just how much I'm craving some spirituality in my life, despite being pretty dead-set on atheism. I used to chock up my interest in such things as being just academic - like, "oh, isn't it interesting that those people do that?" And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that no, really my interest is more along the lines of "Man, I want to do that." Knowing there are other people who both reject woo and embrace ritual/spirituality as a means of better understanding ourselves and the world we live in is really comforting.

I also really appreciated your perspective on the role queerness/transness plays in your spirituality. I feel like in the queer cis male community, there are lots of us who stick with the religion we grew up in, or else abandoned it entirely (moving towards New Atheism, ugh) due to homophobic experiences in our youth, and that there isn't a lot of middle ground that I've seen, or a whole lot of creatively coming to terms with spirituality in our own ways. (There used to be more of it, I think - the Radical Faeries were/are a pretty spiritual bunch). I say all this not to co-opt the beauty of your specific story, but just to say it's also got me thinking of what role spirituality might play in the tiny segment of the queer spectrum I occupy too and how my various identities might be connected to this whole thing.

Anyway, that was a lot of rambling, but you opened up a lot of stuff for me, so thank you so much for sharing with us!

Absolutely sign me up for a queer spiritualish atheist sect! Every part of that sounds like exactly what I need right now.

Hi everyone! I'm a long time reader, first time poster (ok I may have posted one or two comments before). I don't know whether I'll emerge from my lurkerdom in 2016 - this is such a nice space as it is, why ruin it by jumping in the middle of it? :)

But I did want to say how much I enjoy The Toast and enjoy reading all the comments (which is something I don't think I've ever said about another website). It's all just so positive and supportive, and not positive in the "let's pretend nothing bad ever happens" way, but in the "life sucks a lot of the time and let's get through it together" way, and I've really needed that this year. I've been going through some health problems - nothing serious, just annoying and never-ending - and it's done a real number on my self-esteem and mental health. I'm hoping 2016 is the year better things happen on this front, but I also need to figure out how to deal better if it isn't.

Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone! It sounds like a lot of people had crappy 2015's, and here's hoping the universe rolls over into a much happier and nicer 2016 for everyone.