Kristen, are you familiar with ProjectImplicit? It was developed by three universities to test implicit racial (and other) biases with a simply psychological online test. I myself was not surprised to find I was positively biased toward white people - based on my upbringing in suburban North Dallas, I have much social conditioning to overcome. Becoming aware of it and being mindful of how it has shaped my interactions and decisions? Has been hard but it's the kind of hard that has to happen. And it's not even the tiniest fraction of the kind of hard people of color have to face every. damn. day.

That first step? Of acknowledging our collective societal bias? Will only happen when people are aware of their own personal prejudices. It makes me think of that older video of a test asking young children which baby doll (white or black) is better. Prettier. Smarter.

We're conditioned by a society that dehumanizes people of color and prefers white people in almost every aspect of character. It's time people stopped insisting they are immune and start really looking at the subconscious (and conscious) prejudices that are contributing to the problem.

Anyway. Here's the link to the website: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/

So. When I was 3 months pregnant with S, I went to my therapist and admitted I was having intrusive thoughts about burning my arms. It was like I thought I deserved it because I was failing so hard at being a mom, keeping house, and being pregnant. I couldn't control anything. Couldn't live up to my own damn expectations.

And then she said something that was a turning point for me in that pregnancy. She said, "I know you think since you have been pregnant before that you should be able to do it better this time. That you should be prepared for it and the challenges it brings. But the truth is that you *haven't* done this before. You haven't been pregnant with a second child while chasing a first. You haven't been pregnant on medications, after a diagnosis of severe PPD with your first baby. You have permission to muddle through all over again."

Muddling is scary but at least it doesn't come with expectations. It lets the grace come in more gently.

I love you. You are enough.

Oh, I so needed this today. I threw a little childish fit over how unfair life is right now with the constant illness in my house and my complete lack of sleep...and I felt bad for not soldiering up. But you're right. I feel just like grumpy cat. And that's okay.

Sometimes you get to complain about how crappy your situation is. I hope you feel better soon. I'm around if you need to vent. <3

"Through this, I’ve realized that I do have things to say. They may have been said a million times before, but it’s true, no one has said it like I can, no one has gone through life just like I have or sees this world like I do. And that’s the same for you. Your one voice is different from everyone else’s." <<--- THIS. I struggle with this, especially writing about motherhood. There are thousands of mommy bloggers out there and sometimes I wonder what makes me different. But you're right. I don't have to be different. I just have to be me.

I totally do the same thing after a new hair cut or with a new favorite outfit! It makes me feel like getting out in the world. And then everyone feels better. I wish I forced myself to go out with my two more.

What gorgeous lighting in the first picture!

I would love to have these for students' piano practicing logs. Or for BlogHer this year! That would be awesome!

My hat is off to you for the half marathon and BFing for a year. Truly. Two things I'm not sure I will ever be able to say I've done. You SHOULD be proud of yourself. You rock!