OK. Ready for another Shellie revelation?? I didn't have sex until I met my husband. I was 28. Yes, 28. You know I've talked about my mother enough to realize she scared me to death. All my life. It started with a first date where she told the guy to keep his pants zipped. I was 14 or 15 and that scared me. Not sure what the guy thought. Never had another date with him! Fear of MY mother was a great motivator. Absolutely. What kept me from it after I was on my own is another question. Again. Fear. Of my mother's wrath. I feared her more than any version of Hell.
When I met Ted I just knew it was right. Can't explain it. And I still paid for my sin. I got pregnant before we got married. My mother was so mortified that she didn't tell ANY of her friends I was 6 1/2 months pregnant walking down the aisle. I was almost 29! She also didn't purchase any wedding pictures unless it was from the neck up. Really. Thing is the dress I where, by sheer coincidence, hid my tummy. At the reception a friend of my parents leaned in & whispered "don't do anything I wouldn't do" on our honeymoon. Told him it was a little late for that. He looked so confused!! Ha! I also had no wedding shower or baby shower. My friends gave me a baby shower after Amanda was born. My mother was too embarrassed. Oh, well. Now you can see why she disliked my husband so!!
She looked at sex as dirty. Not sinful. She stopped church when I was in 5th or 6th grade. After her affair. It's when she really changed. And not for the better. And I still loved her. I didn't always like her, but somehow I loved her.
I shared this on Alece's post yesterday, but it speaks to me right now. Matthew West wrote "Yesterday does not define me". And looking back always shaves my time in this world by a little. I don't ignore it, but I try to move on & not stay there until it overwhelms me!
And in June we will celebrate 25 years. 25! Wish it could have made my mom just a little happy for me. Just a little.

Don't know that I would change it at 53, but I KNOW some of the names!! Shellie Belly. Jelly Shellie. Shellie Jelly Belly. Smelly Shellie. Well, you know!! Thanks for the memories. (not!)

That no one will hire me because I'm an addict in recovery. I don't blame potential employers for doubting my integrity. I broke the trust of my professional license. And it's a mark that will follow me. I just want them to see me today. Not where I was 4 and 5 years ago. I want to SCREAM to make them notice me. I thought finding a job would be "easy". Now, I am doubting myself a little. And I don't know anything but pharmacy. And I don't think I'm listening for God's direction. So I doubt my path a little. It's all about faith. And trust in Him. Unconditional trust.
And it all comes down to the argument in my head about whether I'm good at what I do. Hearing my mother's voice telling me I'm not. Hearing my voice saying I am. Listening for God to tell me what I already know!! I AM!!!!
May the last chapter flow & tie it all together. For you. For your readers. You are going to change lives. (well, you & God)

Oh, Tam, I am so excited for you!! And taking us on this adventure with you gives me goose-bumps.

"It’s time to forgive yourself too!" rings loud & clear for me, too. I was listening to a Women of Faith blurb on KLove yesterday & it said something along those same words. I still struggle with hanging on to the guilt of my addiction. It no longer consumes me, but I still have a sense of "if only". That's just not healthy for me. These struggles women have in common, blows me away. Like your definitions the other day. Our stories may be different, but the common thread is that we are survivors. Because Jesus died for us some 2000 years ago. He died for MY sin of addiction. He died for MY sins. Period. I am forgiven. I am loved. I am a survivor.

Wow. This is hard. Don't want to sound too "religious". Don't want to sound too self-centered. Hmmmmmm.

I once thought anyone I would meet in a computer chat room was creepy.

Thank goodness that hasn't happened. Yet. :)

I felt so honored to hear this song for the 1st time at ubc in Waco. 2 days before it was released to radio and 4 months ahead of the album. It was the day after my daughter graduated from Baylor. ubc was her second home. She actually ran (volunteered) to run there children's program most of her senior year. We had her graduation party in the back room at ubc. She is best friends with Mark Waldrop (and his wife Anna). Mark joined dc*b at the end of their sophomore year. She was so excited!! Mom, I have a rock star for a friend!! Now, it's just what he does for a living!
Love to listen to the heart & passion Kass brings with her voice. One of these days, when I get a job, I am going to travel across OR & come hear you in person!! Thanks for making my day.

To spend 2 weeks in TX with my dad, and of course, our daughter. I love it in Central WA, but I sure do get a little homesick. It was the first time my dad had had Christmas with all 3 of his children & most of their families in many years. I loved my mom, but dang she could be mean. The gift of not walking on egg shells was something I hadn't had in a really long time. God is working in my dad, at 80!! It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about how long I have spent praying for that!! Really!! We have such an amazing Creator.

Just catching up on blogs. While in TX I sometimes kept up with twitter, but mostly not. Dad does not have internet or a computer. So I'm just seeing about Brent today! Praying he tolerates the new meds, etc. I love your one-words. Clarity. Discipline. I need both so badly, but I think perseverance is my one word. Starting with learning how to spell it without using Merriam-Webster!

You & your family rock my life and my recovery. Thanks! (p.s. You & Brent where in my top follower/stalker stats, who would have thought!)

Great pics, Evan. Nice autographs. Wish they had come this way once more this year. Maybe I'll make the RAWRS in Spokane.

My 1st sponsee was also a cutter. And drinker. And drug abuser. And sexually assaulted. I felt so very inadequate to help her through these difficult events. And she was my age (50ish at the time). She was also in counseling, but she chose to change her "playground" and went south 2 hours to a womens shelter. I heard from her once more. She had been arrested for a DUI. That was 3 years ago. It makes me sad.

I, too, quit drugs cold turkey. 1233 days ago. Recovery brought me back to God. God brought me to the internet! I applaud you for being able to stop at your age. I see people every day that have carried their secrets for 40 years. Hidden behind drugs, alcohol, and self-abuse. The common denominator is the desire to heal. Some are so broken, they see no way to live in a "normal" world.

For a long time after finishing outpatient treatment, I couldn't tell my story. I was so full of shame & guilt. The goody-two shoes girl who never even smoked pot or drank. A drug addict at 50! And I am a pharmacist. That doesn't sit too well with licensing boards! But, I stand strong. I have to tell my story. Especially to co-workers. It's about accountability. And trust. And I find it easy to write about on others' blogs! That common denominator of God and His healing.

And I feel like I am somehow paying it forward. You never know what you say that may touch someone who has the same story! We ARE all shining stars. And God knows us by name.....

Here. Here to what Tam said!! I, too, found myself in the fall of 2008, being unemployed & finding this universe. At 52! My daughter thought for a while (and I think Ted did, too) that I had lost my mind with this twitter thing. And facebook! (it's not for people your age, mom!!). Guess who joined the twitter game 6 months after me????

Will. Work. For. Food.

:)