I just don't think that anyone can realize how deeply the shame penetrates, unless they have lived it themselves. Just as someone cannot begin to understand how another could commit suicide ~ unless they have been that far into despair also. I'm not excusing anyone, absolutely everyone deserves their truth ~ but to vilify the mothers who are unable to heal? Don't you think that they would if it was at all possible?

Beth ~ I sometimes feel the same way. It should work both ways ~ but... it was my own doings that caused my son the trauma that he refuses to acknowledge.

Cathy ~ I'm so sorry, how tragic
Susie

As a mom, I agree with Deanna. She's far from healed, she is deep in denial. I was there for 30 years but was thankfully able to leave the "birth mom" closet, to move from the land of denial, after reuniting with my son six years ago. I once was in the same place as your mom ~ if I had not gone into deep, deep denial about the loss of my son, I would not have survived. There were times I wasn't sure if I was going to survive it when I finally faced it all at 45 years old, there is no way my 15 year old self could have.

Janis - I absolutely regret my "choice". There was/is nothing life affirming about losing a child to adoption.

Oh Kelly! I cannot begin to imagine the fear... It angers me also that there are people who have or are sacrificing their lives to defend this country, while the ones who are supposed to be running it are busy ruining it.

You have every right to be angry ~ for many reasons.
Susie

As a mom of adoption loss this is also insulting to me! When I was pregnant with Christopher, abortion never. entered. my. mind.

Several times in telling people about the son I lost to adoption I have heard some variety of "how wonderful that you choose adoption instead of the alternative". The first couple of times I was so shocked and insulted that I didn't even reply. The last time someone said it I told them that the only other alternative I had was to parent him and no, it wasn't wonderful because I didn't really a choice.

If I had known that the feelings shared in this post were even remotely possible, I would NEVER have "chosen" adoption. This mother's heart cries for all of you...

Susie

My heart continues to ache for you Deanna... I will keep holding you in my thoughts and in my heart, sending you strength and love to help you through...

I wish that your mom could have known how truly freeing it would have been to face her past, deal with it once and for all to be able to live a life of authenticity. What a difference it would have made not only in your life, but hers and by extension everyone else in her life also.

Susie

Cool! I'm a minion!! A mom minion at that :)

Hmmm... what helped me get to the other side? I really don't know.

Now that I've written and deleted a novel, here's my (hopefully) shorter answer: In the 7 or so years before reunion, I had a few big things crack open my heart and brain to the reality of adoption loss in my life, putting a slow leak in that river of denial I was living in. After being reunited it was mostly the on-line community that helped me, as well as doing a lot of journaling (including my own blog), self-love work through visualization and meditation, refusing to live a lie any longer. The many other first mom blogs and equally important the adult adoptee blogs helped me feel not so alone in my loss and confusion and helped me know that I really wasn't going crazy. I found Brene Brown's work on authenticity and living whole-hearted. I found Julia of www.paintedpath.org, had some private counseling (thru skype) with her and just recently completed an online course with her and many other women learning to live authentically.

It of course helps that my son did get great parents, did have a wonderful childhood, and has a wonderful wife and two beautiful kids. His mother completely accepts me in their life ~ we met last year and talked for just short of four hours! I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had found out that I went through hell to supposedly "give my son a better life", only to find out that he also went through hell, that it was all for nothing... That would have been VERY hard to learn, I would imagine it would have thrown me deeper into self-hatred, unworthiness, etc, just as your mom is doing Deanna. I know that without finding the other moms that would have been so very difficult to overcome.

As I have said to others before, I wish I could "accidentally" meet your mom and break a crack in her denial, shine a light through her fog.

Susie
My recent post What Can A Tiny Baby Know?

That wasn't my post, it's one by another mom but she put into words the very fear I used to have. I still have it, somewhat. I'm ready to go that deep now though, if only I had someone "in real life" I could trust to take me there. I've tried a couple different counselors since reunion and neither one had a clue about adoption loss. I'm like you in that I too only have online support that understands the depth of adoption loss. I have a few friends who are wonderful and get it as far as anyone not living it can...

Do you know if your mom has any support in helping her deal with her adoption loss? Maybe you could suggest a book, a website, or blog? If I hadn't found the online adoption world I don't think I would have dealt with it all either.

As far as the kind of relationship you want to have with your mom, your desires sound a lot like the desires I have for the relationship I want with my son. I have come to accept that he is a busy dad with a demanding job and that there are probably many reasons that he isn't ready/doesn't want a deeper relationship than what we have now. We have mostly a "facebook" relationship, as he does with my raised kids also. He does go a bit deeper than that at times, but no phone calls, rare visits, I still haven't met his wife or kids. (We are 4 1/2 years into reunion.) It used to be very hard on me, but I have faith that one day we will have "more".

I always wish that I lived near moms like yours, so I could "accidentally" get to know them and slowly get them to see their way through the fog.

Susie
My recent post What Can A Tiny Baby Know?