IMO everyone's missed the point, and the point is, CATS.

This is a brilliant article, thank you Tabitha. I'm glad you were in such good, caring hands. I wish that was the norm - unfortunately not. However I do agree with you that fashion did not cause my anorexia either, I have no interest in it and never have, preferring to wear something functional and get on with things.

I relate to you wanting something badly and yet even with that motivation, being unable to gain weight for it. Anorexia stole ballet from me, because I was unable to eat enough and gain enough to be strong enough to dance. It was not caused by it, and most other dancers there were small but strong - and ate a LOT to get the energy to dance all day long, a very physically taxing job. Dancing was my life, but I couldn't even do it to dance.

I also agree that the hell of an eating disorder goes far beyond what anyone could put themselves through using willpower alone.

It's definitely not a choice.

If our friends ALSO did not share their contact lists, then facebook wouldn't be getting any data about us either from them.
Too late for me and my friends though >.>

I agree with most of what people have already said.
Jess, you are one of my favourite bloggers. Your honesty is refreshing, and you write beautifully. I agree that you are the one who hates and scorns yourself more than anyone else ever could. I don't KNOW of anyone who DOES hate or scorn you. It's pretty obvious you are a good person at heart. It's also pretty obvious how unwell you are.

I hear you on several issues you've written about. Therapy - I've been having some sort of it since I was 9 years old. It didn't work then, because what kid's going to tell this nice man what's happening at home to make her suicidal, when this nice man turns around an reports to mum? It didn't work for years because there was no trust or hope on my part. And too much force on theirs. Twenty five years later, I'm finally getting something out of it - because *I* changed. Because my mindset changed and I was willing to engage and look at myself and IN myself honestly. So were all those years sick a waste of time? In some ways, yes. I've wasted/lost most of my life. I've had to start from scratch at 34. But in many ways, no, because I've been growing in ways I couldn't otherwise have done and met people I otherwise wouldn't have had the chance to meet.

"embrace your curves"... I see what it was trying to achieve - but it does backfire - it's saying that women without curves aren't beautiful when there are a heck of a lot of naturally non-curvy women out there. It's just as bad as saying women who aren't skinny aren't beautiful. Self acceptance is beautiful. We have the bodies we have been born with and we cannot really change them all that much. Weight-wise, sure, but not shape, not really. And what a waste of life. All focussed on the body. Missing what's really important because we are blind to all but our bodies and are they right/wrong. I think now, society is never going to be accepting. It's up to us to be. To say, this is my body and it's OKAY. It's not that bad. In fact YOUR body, Jess, can do some amazing things. If you changed your focus to 'look what i can do' you are streets ahead of a lot of people. In my eyes you ARE an elite athlete. You are aspiring to be like a well known runner - you already ARE that good, yourself, in your own way. And that's better. Embrace that, Jess. You will never be her. You CAN be the best YOU you can be.

Finally, getting off the internet and into therapy. Well, the people who say that can GTFOMI themselves. It's a case by case basis. Some people, no they aren't well served by blogging or reading/surfing - but they are usually people who are self destructive and actively seeking out ways to feed that, they will seek that whether they are online or offline. Some people are helped by the internet. You find it helpful. I find it very helpful. In fact, my treatment team pushed hard for me to get a computer and get online. They thought blogging about my experience would be a good experience for me (as i liked to write), and they thought it would help with my tendency to shut the world out. It has. In the couple of years since, the world has opened up to me. New friends have been found, old friends come back into the picture. Current friends, I can talk to better, all the time rather than once in a blue moon. Deafness made my world quieter too in social terms. It's a whole new life socially for me. Mental illnesses are extremely isolating. No way should we continue to be isolated because some people on the internet's super fragile sensitivities were offended. If you aren't hurting anyone, then go for it. There's also the element of personal responsibility. If someone can't take that - can't steer themselves away from sites that are not good for them - they should go online in the first place. I first was online a lot in my uni years in the 1990's and the internet was vastly different. You stumbled across really REALLY disturbing stuff back then. It's far more 'censored' now and yet back then, people took far more responsibility for where they ended up in their own surfing.

Sorry for the essay. I just want to say, keep on keeping on. You might not feel like you have gotten anywhere but I'm pretty sure you have come a long way - the growth is more inner growth. And that does lead somewhere. It took years of not feeling I was getting anywhere for me to actually get to the point where i could physically make changes as i have in this past few years - now I can look back and see that all that time I felt I was 'stagnant' I was making significant progress in invisible (then) ways. And it all added up in the end.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, Jess, you are lovely xx

This is amazing, Jess, I was hooked on your every word. Best recap I've read - also I'm gobsmacked at just what you put your body through. You deserve that fleece - more than deserve it. Wow. Congratulations!! xxx

whoops I should have replied here, instead of above :) <3

it's okay, I knew you wouldn't mean anything in a bad way - you are too nice! And i'm still glad i asked, because I wanted your answer and I got your honest answer - so thank you.
Actually I relate to how you yearn to have a body like your chosen runner - because you ARE an athlete - that has been your life. I was a dancer, that was my whole life, and I still aspire towards a dancer's body, even though most people would say that is too thin. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not healthy for ME to be that.
Your definition of a binge is mine too. But I still don't see your food as being a binge - perhaps you are expecting yourself to eat far less food than your body needs!
I'm sending lots of hugs to you and hoping that some day the ED will lose it's power over you. xxx

PS I have to admit.. I know my desire to be slender isn't healthy though. It IS sick. It IS unhealthy, it IS disordered. Because to me, slender is what I am when I'm in the throes of my eating disorder and I have to fight against that EVERY DAY reminding myself that LIFE is too precious - I can't have that slenderness and life too.
But I need to stop assuming that everyone else who desires that, is unhealthy too. xxx

I want to reply to both of you here! Jess, I'm sorry. I didn't mean your desire to be slender was 'wrong' and I get it, I desire, (more than desire) to be slender myself. BUT I think the way you see yourself is not the way the rest of the world sees you. That is why I asked, because it is distorted. You aren't fat, you aren't huge at all.
I know Nicole hates the DSM and all it stands for. I hate it too, but I do use it as a sort of guideline - because there ARE 'illnesses' and for want of a better way to define them? That's where it comes in handy.
I'm sorry to have been so tactless, Jess, and I agree with Nicole 100% that you are GORGEOUS and you simply ARE yourself. You are not anything but Jess, and Jess is amazing :)
Nicole, I am going to enjoy our little battles :) Bring it on!! :) xxxxx

I'm sorry you are so upset, Jess, Congratulations on your PR and on running at all - many people never make it that far.
I know it's relative, and I know we are different people entirely, but looking through your food diary I can't see it being a binge, any of it, especially given you ran a marathon. For me, a binge doesn't have to be 'big'. A binge can be a mouthful, it's the state of mind. Is this why you have labelled your binges so? I don't even think you overate, especially in the context of the marathon and how much training you have been doing, and I just went and had a look at your photo and you are so NOT FAT. Not at all. Do you think there might be a possibility that you have BDD?
I understand how you feel with not even enjoying running any more. Depression is a huge problem for me and when I'm in it, I'm dead, and nothing makes it better. Things I used to love are just empty. have you ever been on antidepressants?
Hang in there, Jess, I wish you were not so harsh on yourself. You are a very kind, sweet person, and an amazing runner. xxx