Captain's log whatever the phoque they usually say entry #7: It's yet another night where I'm feeling lonely and depressed. It hasn't been long since the cancellation of my wedding and breakup, but I still feel as if I've spent an eternity alone. Sitting in this dark room doesn't help either. I've been spending hours looking at r/nicegirls posts and it's actually been kinda depressing. Tried to go back to my game only to realize that my mood had been further killed and I had no desire to keep playing. I tried Shadow of the Tomb Raider, but it's pretty much been the same. I really wish I had friends to talk to, even if just online ones. I've got no connection with anyone anymore. No one to talk to, not even on Discord. Nobody cares to talk to me. My ex is gone, so now I have nobody. Seriously...I just wish I had SOMEONE to talk to. I don't even care if it was over a frickin public match of Call of Duty, that would still be better than what I've got now.

I'd never let one of photography's future stars avoid "handing" in her work.

It's just been a rough year. Almost had my relationship come to an end a few times, I started developing anxiety, I've had depression multiple times throughout the year, I stopped being friends with someone I had been friends with for years, now reducing me to one friend I basically see or hear from once a month (and that ex friend has kinda become his best friend)...just lots of things that did their best to bring me down. Been fighting to the bone to sort out my fiance and I's lives.

I thought things would be better after the terrible Crapmas I had. First day of 2019, eenope.

I've been better. It was a crap 2018. 2019 is already starting off the same.

Captain's log whatever the phoque they usually say entry #6: Well it's Christmas Eve, past 9 AM. Stayed up willingly for some reason. Not sure if I'm gonna even take a nap as I know I'll just end up sleeping in quite late. I didn't like how it looked outside when I checked a couple hours ago. Was kinda foggy. Not sure how the next few days will be, but I don't have high hopes.

Captain's log whatever the phoque they usually say entry #5: I think I'm feeling a bit better tonight. Had a nice chat with my fiance and got some of my worries off of my shoulders and I might be able to actually open up to her on what I haven't been able to with anyone yet, as soon as I see her. I hope that that's soon, but either way, might just be one less thing to worry about. Maybe, just maybe when I'm ready to try to sleep, I'll actually be successful this time without much issue.

Captain's log whatever the phoque they usually say entry #4: I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. I even tried again at 8 AM and still no luck. Pretty much tried all the way till almost 3. I'm gonna go to the doctor and get on that sleeping medicine. Maybe it'll help with my night anxiety. I hate worrying every single night. I kinda wish I could just move somewhere else. Get my own place, be it an apartment or a house, get my fiance out of her shitty environment, get her crap sorted out, and get us our own place. It'd be so nice moving to a place that's quieter, together. No trains nearby, no people being loud shites...just her and I. After that, we could get our wedding plans done with, be it an actual ceremony or just going to Montana to purchase a certificate, I just want both of our problems to be done with so that we can both move on with life. I swear, I'd sleep so much better having her by my side every night.

Great to see you too, bud.

Captain's log whatever the phoque they usually say entry #3: I can't sleep again. It's nearing 5 AM. The rain keeps getting loud and heavy and it adds to my anxiety. I can now add rain to the list of ridiculous things I hate, along with the night, trains (horns are fine though), and maybe the wind. It seems every day just gets worse and worse and it's like every night, I sleep even worse than the last. I'm considering seeking help as I don't know how much more I can take of this constant fear and lack of sleep.