IntenseDebate - Hershele Ostropoler

9 years ago @ The Toast - The Martyrdom Of Saint... · 0 replies · +6 points

Is the "sucking in his stomach"one the one Tarsem Singh recreated in the "Losing my Religion" video?

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Wednesday Open Thread:... · 0 replies · +1 points

My favorite is Paging Dr. Ner-- wait.

Serious answer: Overthinking It, Amicus, Realitycast, No Such Thing s a Fish, Savage Love.

And 99PI, of course.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Raising the Tone: Etiq... · 0 replies · +5 points

"What did that cost" "Any sort of relationship with my mother and being able to have a Jewish burial."

(I know that's not actually the case. I don't want to be buried anyway.)

Though given the location, if you can see it, you probably have a bit of leeway for asking questions.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Sticker Chart: A Short... · 0 replies · +4 points

He earns red stars for undisclosed reasons. Says so right there.

(I read it as satisfying his partner sexually, but in a broader sense than "an act directly resulting in one or more orgasms" since otherwise 44 in two weeks requires more energy than I personally possess.)

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: My B... · 1 reply · +3 points

"No one should make a request if they aren't prepared to hear 'no."'

I wonder if that's where Henry and I aren't seeing eye to eye. Because I don't merely disagree with him, I find his reaction disproportionate to the alleged offence*. But if he's seeing "please don't look at porn during our relationship" as "porn is horrible and you're horrible for consuming it" his response seems more level.

*I'm picturing someone smiling sweetly and saying "Henry, dear, I don't think I've mentioned this, but I'd appreciate it if you stopped looking at pornography while we're together" and him saying YOU NAZI, THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD TAKE AWAY YOUR NOT LOOKING AT PORN!!!" and storming out.

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: My B... · 0 replies · +2 points

How do you feel about expecting my partner in a monogamous relationship to not have sex with anyone else? I recognize it's not the same but I'm trying to figure out where you draw the lines.

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: My B... · 2 replies · +8 points

I would draw a distinction between "right to ask" and "right to expect." Most dudes look at porn. Most dudes in relationships look at porn. If you absolutely insist on being with someone who is wiling to desist from pornography, you are shrinking your dating pool by an order of magnitude or two -- but if you're ok with that, fine. Of course there is a point when it becomes abusive, but then the abuse is the problem.

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: My B... · 0 replies · +1 points

The difference between masturbation, on the one, er, hand, and sex with someone who isn't feeling it but has made a commitment to never say no seems largely semantic.

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: My B... · 0 replies · +10 points

I don't think NPP is being controlling (though while I'm sure she thinks she's available to take care of all his sexual needs, I'm skeptical that she literally could, or that anyone could do that for anyone). She doesn't seem to be demanding that he retcon away all his prior porn use, or that he stop liking of it; she doesn't even seem to objectto porn in general.

9 years ago @ Paging Dr. NerdLove - Ask Dr. NerdLove: My B... · 17 replies · +8 points

I think it is entirely reasonable to say "Partner, I insist that you do not consume porn while in a relationship with me" if it means that much to you*. I'd try to do it if someone asked it of me -- and if I found I absolutely couldn't, I'd end the relationship.

The limitations I would put on that statement are:
* It's not reasonable to demand that a partner abjure porn. You can dictate behaviors, but not attitudes.
* The request needs to be made explicitly. They can't learn of the rule only when they get in trouble for breaking it.
* Expect slip-ups at first, especially if it's an ingrained habit predating the relationship, and there needs to be a blanket amnesty for before the request was made.
* Spot checks and laying traps are not acceptable. Nor, I would think, would they ordinarily be needed.

*I'm assuming the person making the request/demand has an actual reason, even if it's an idiosyncratic one, not just a desire to hear "how high?" when they say "jump!"

IntenseDebate Comment System

Connect with Hershele Ostropoler

People I'm following

Hershele Ostropoler