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10 years ago @ The Toast - King Solomon Getting P... · 0 replies · +5 points

Except it's very COMPLICATED. Like, some things are actually other things, and "it's, like, metaphor, man, and it you don't get it you're a dumb," and then other things are actually themselves and it's like, "no, this part is super literal and if you don't get it, you're not listening to God," or whatever. It got very confusing for me. I grew up in a church where most things (but not all the things) were taken as metaphors, and then I got super fundamentalist and joined one where it most things (but not all the things) were take ultra-literally, and it was always important to know which was which, and I never really did figure it out.

10 years ago @ The Toast - Modernity Has Gone Too... · 0 replies · +2 points

I always hear stories about people who get their wisdom teeth out and then get all kinds of cool extras like general anaesthetic or prescription sedatives. I got nothing but the local freezing. The upside is it didn't hurt, so I guess I didn't need any of that cool stuff, but c'mon. Gimme the fun.

At the end of the procedure, already somewhat disappointed at not having been put under, I asked my dentis, "are you going to prescribe me anything for pain?" She looked at first quizzical look and then concerned as she replied "oh, does it hurt?" Semi-apologetically mumbled, "no... but maybe it will after the freezing wears off?" She replied, "well, it shouldn't, but if it does, you can take Tylenol. Call me if it gets really bad, though." It never did hurt. I couldn't even use pain as an excuse for all the ice cream I ate.

Anyways, it probably means my dentist is excellent and not out to milk the insurance companies with charges for unnecessary procedures/products, and I guess I should be pleased about that, but I can't help feeling that the fates cheated me.

10 years ago @ The Toast - Everything Wrong With ... · 0 replies · +5 points

A friend of mine played that trick on me when I was a kid, and it gave me a nosebleed, and he felt awful, which pleased me greatly.

10 years ago @ The Toast - Wednesday Open Thread · 0 replies · +5 points

I have at least 4 friends (3 women, 1 man) who do this. Two of them sometimes also make robot noises at one another. I am not a party to this. It is what it is.

10 years ago @ The Toast - I Have Got To Catch My... · 0 replies · +10 points

Even better if you have butter on your fingers. Cats cannot resist butter.

(This is also a good trick for making amends with a cat you have accidentally slighted, who has made it clear that he will never forgive your trespasses against him. Eventually he will have to lick your fingers, in spite of himself, and then you'll pet him, and then all sins will be forgotten.)

10 years ago @ The Toast - "I'm not the principal... · 1 reply · +9 points

Ah, I thought it was someone who was afraid of getting juice stains on their shirt. (As someone who insists on wearing white shirts and is also incapable of eating anything tidily, I might have been projecting.)

10 years ago @ The Toast - Everything You Can Buy... · 0 replies · +19 points

I know sea monkeys are made of brine shrimp and lies, but I can't help kind of thinking that maybe they're real. Maybe everyone else is lying. I have even found myself Googling them, more than once, in the hopes I would discover some grain of truth behind that picture.

10 years ago @ The Toast - Christian Youth Group ... · 0 replies · +6 points

I had a friend who wore a "Bud Wise Up" t-shirt.

10 years ago @ The Toast - Christian Youth Group ... · 0 replies · +29 points

I did not know about ApologetiX. Apparently, I lost my faith just a bit too early. I foresee myself wasting a lot of time, giggle-cringing at their lyrics.

Also, now I want (someone who isn't me) to invent Apollogetix, a toga tunic chiton-wearing, lyre-shredding chorus who recreate ApologetiX songs as paeans to Apollo.

Edit: Ancient clothing is hard.

10 years ago @ The Toast - Classic Films, Summari... · 1 reply · +1 points

One of the great things about working in wildlife rescue is getting to interact with so many different creatures. Take this Marabou stork, for example. Such an exotic, elegant bird! Poor guy must have had a rough start in life, though. When he first came here, he was wracked by terrible nightmares. He's so much happier now!

--Marabou Stork Nightmares

(Started reading this book on recommendation from formerly beloved brother-in-law. Got about 25% of the way through and realized brother-in-law must be evil. Will never, ever return to that book. Will never, ever regain the innocence it stole from me.)

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