You're looking for a "girl" to spoil like a princess. I am a grown-ass woman, for fuck's sake, I want you to treat me like an adult, not a doll.

Oh, oh! The other creepy thing she used to do was to notice "devils" around the store. She'd be like, "There's one up on the top of that shelf. He's staring at you. That woman over there [points to co-worker] hates you and has cast evil on you in the form of that devil" and then she'd wander away. I'm kind of convinced that devil might still be sitting on top of the Local Authors shelf, waiting for me.

When I worked in a bookstore, there was a woman we called Bible Lady. Bible Lady ordered these tiny little Gideon bibles, and then would proceed to stand there next to the register, tear the little pages out, and eat them. While doing this, she would explain to every customer who approached the register that she thought I looked like a ballerina, or someone who would be in Town & Country. She would then be like, "Don't you think she's pretty?" (referring to me), and if the customer wasn't super enthusiastic about my looks, she would lean towards them, spitting little flecks of bible in their face as she spoke, and say, "TELL.HER.SHE'S.PRETTY." I would be protesting and asking her to go away while this all went on, but she was so damn stubborn that she wouldn't leave until she'd not only confirmed with a few customers that I was pretty, but had also worked her way through one bible and purchased another for the road.

She also stuffed her shoes with the bible because "the devil enters you through your feet" and would chuck holy water at my face randomly. A delight, really, when you're held captive behind a register and can't escape.