LW2, is there any chance you live near/could try to date in an city with a stronger multi-ethnic culture? Now, just saying "move to a bigger city with a bigger asian population!!" isn't a solution (and it's a tremendously expensive, life-impacting thing to do), but I'm not going to lie, I think a change of scenery might help you attract people who would be better prospects for dating, both in terms of being open to more cultures, and for you to get outside of your own bubble, where it sounds like you're not having a lot of luck, and also not seeing a lot of people who look like you/are in a similar situation.

I'm an east Asian woman living in an extremely culturally diverse city, and there's really something to be said for being able to walk down the street and being able to see people who look like me-- and hell, lots of people who don't look like me-- paired up or single, happy and chatting, just being part of the community. It helps me avoid feeling "Othered" like I do in other parts of my life.

I'm also going to second some of the other suggestions for snappy dressing, and making a point of expressing your appreciation for media created by women/showcasing a lot of women in conversation. A lot of the unfair and shitty stereotypes about Asian men have to do with poking fun of and othering new immigrants ("they speak with an accent and dress funny and client to archaic traditions that are nothing like ours! they're can only do math, don't get any pop culture references, and have no social skills because that's their culture!! how funny!!"), and while there's legitimately nothing wrong with being a new immigrant or speaking with an accent or dressing differently etc., you might get more mileage from differentiating yourself from those stereotypes- i.e. looking sharp and confident and being able to talk to people about media that you care about

Dress wise, consider: nice button up shirts with cuffs you can roll up, vests, fitted t-shirts, well fitted pants (skinny-ish is popular right now), fashionable glasses if you wear glasses. Hats and scarves make good accessories if you're comfortable wearing them. Also, nice shoes!! Nothing against sneakers, but if you're dressing to look sharp, non-sneaker shoes are necessary.

Also, if you're looking to attract nerds, there's never anything wrong with a nice looking graphic tee with a geeky design and a dark pair of jeans underneath (it's definitely worked for me before).

For LW1: It's always about time and place. There are lots of things that people shouldn't feel ashamed about, but also aren't appropriate to just drop into the middle of a generic conversation: their shitty cheating ex, being bullied to tears in grade school, their recent colonoscopy, diarrhea. It IS TMI, because it is Too Much (Inappropriate and Non-Relevant) Information, not because There Is Something Wrong With You. I'd say don't bring up your sexual past unless it's a direction that the conversation is naturally flowing toward. If you're not certain to what degree of detail you should go into, look to other people to take your cue. If it's a "share gory bit of your sexual exploits" conversation, go whole hog, tell people everything, if it's "oh, I had a boyfriend a few years ago and that's it," keep it to a sentence.

Also, not to say that you're doing this, LW, but be aware that it's not.... uncommon, let's say, for guys to suddenly introduce sexual topics into a conversation as an opener to solicit sex, and in an inappropriate context that puts a lot of women on guard. Similarly, it's not uncommon for less experienced guys to bring up their sexual pasts (or lack thereof) as an opener to pressure women for not having sex with them. Sort of a "Don't you feel bad for me? Won't you touch my penis? Are you going to be like all those cold-hearted bitches who left me hanging??"

Well, yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

I'll add in my two cents as a high heels wearing woman myself. I'd plus a million to everything Eselle has said about self expression, but, and also tack on some more well, superficial/personal reasons someone might wear heels.

- Adding height, especially if you're short by nature (me! I'm short!!). It's useful too, whether you're trying to stand above everyone else at a concert, stare disdainfully down on commoners, add a couple inches so you can kiss your SO without craning your neck, or grab something off a shelf a little too high.
- They can make your calves look GREAT, nice and toned and sleek. Good for when you've got an outfit showing a lot of leg.
- The click-click/clop-clop of heels ringing down the hall can feel very satisfying
- Wearing higher heels can add a nice sway to your hips while you're walking-- sexy AND fun
- Since high heels are often very much associated with fashion, not practicality, shoe designers often make more colorful, interesting, fashionable heels than they would other types of shoes. Similarly, if you follow any particular fashion trends (punk, goth, hobo hipster, whatever), depending on the fashion you might find it easier to find heels that fit that aesthetic than any other type of shoe.
- Heels come in all types, from needle-point stilettos to wedges to low, round heeled Mary Janes-- depending on design, many can be very easy to walk in and aren't any more of a hazard than your average sandal, even if they don't look it. (Wedges, in particular, are usually fine.)

On heels and falling accidents-- I've definitely slipped and fallen badly while wearing heels, but I've also done the same in sneakers, flipflops, barefoot, standing on the sidewalk, taking a stroll out on the street. There's risks, but I wouldn't say there are inordinate ones. That said, heels on ice sounds like a terrific recipe for disaster!

Sure, but if that person is yourself, and the perception you can't change is that your body is worth being attracted to and worth loving, that will definitely impact any relationship you might have. You can't tell your boyfriend or girlfriend, "Sure, I respect your feelings about being attracted to me, but personally I think I'm completely hideous." For one, what does that say you think about their taste in people-- are they wrong for liking you? Do you actually think their taste runs to hideous people?

Your feelings about your body are your own to keep or change or grow. I can't tell you otherwise (and wouldn't presume to.) Down the line, if you find people that you fancy, and who fancy you, they can't tell you otherwise either. But when you hear a friend putting himself or herself down for something they can't help or can't change, how do you feel? Bad, I hope. What if it's something you actually like or don't mind about them, but any time you try to offer encouragement -- "Hey, well I think the bald look is pretty good for you/I'm happy to push you around in the wheelchair/etc", the only response you got was more self hatred? It's the same or worse in an relationship-- it's easy to think that your feelings are your own, and nobody else's business, and to an extent that's TRUE. But people who are close to you will also be worn down and exhausted by them, and by the sense that their love for you doesn't matter in comparison to the hate you feel for yourself. They may choose to cope in different ways. They may choose to continue offering support in the hopes that you'll change. They may choose to leave. But it's not something that will help build up or sustain a relationship.

I wholly agree! I think it's really unfortunate how (it seems to me) men are expected to dress within certain conventions, and breaking those conventions often leads to assumptions about their orientation or accusations of being effeminate. It's shitty because... well, what gender you're attracted to shouldn't impact how snazzy you look, and being equated to women shouldn't be an insult, but also because these assumptions are often really effective in dissuading men from dressing in nonconventional ways for fear of harassment or embarrassment.

If you hate a part of yourself, how can you recognize when other people like or love it? When you do find someone whose attraction to you is overt and sincere, will you believe them when they say they love your body? Will their attraction override the self-hatred or will you end up downplaying their feelings/attraction instead?

Straight talk, my ex boyfriend was nearly a foot taller than me and weighed about ten pounds heavier (and I'm pretty small and don't weigh very much myself.) Between him being underweight and having major skin related genetic disorders, I thought he was just the cutest and liked the crap out of him. We split up amicably and still talk from time to time-- he has a new serious girlfriend now, and I'm happy for him.

That's not to say-- here's a skinny guy! With a girlfriend! Why can't you do the same? But what you can never account for or measure or define is human desire. There are a million and one permutations of it, and people are attracted to all sorts of body types and personalities that are not the "norm". There are people dating bald and wasted cancer patients, couples where one pushes the other around in a wheelchair, rail thin people dating fat plump people and everything in between, despite what discrimination or stigma they individually face. "Loving yourself" won't change your looks or your face or your body type, but not thinking of yourself and your body with hatred and repulsion is very important to your mental health, and to helping recognize other people who may look to you with interest and attraction.

Just reading over the article and comments (and previous comments from the catcalling article), I get the feeling that there's often a mismatch in expectations on external validation between men,women, AND what actually happens in reality. Generally speaking, women are socialized and expected to be passive receivers of sexual attention and looks-based commentary. The end result is that well, women tend to get approached by men, women are expected to adhere to a certain standard level of beauty, and receive commentary on whether or not they've achieved it (both positive and negative). Women are seen to be the receivers of positive external attention and sexual validation-- but more than that, many women have to deal with as much (if not more) negative attention as positive, and our worth becomes conflated with our appearances. For example, there was a famous Australian news host who saw the criticism leveled at his female co-hosts for their dress and appearances, and decided to do an experiment. He wore the same suit on air for a year-- and didn't hear a peep of complaint from anyone. Women are judged, criticized, punished for being attractive (for being slutty, for "encouraging" sexual looks and touches, for being airheads who don't care about anything but looks) and unattractive (accused of not looking professional or desirable, comments on weight, diet, makeup, accusations of lying about harassment) in a way that men aren't, in a way that most men can't relate to. And since we're all part of this culture, women also participate in enforcing these shitty standards and valuations in ugly comments about weight, fashion, sexual activity, etc.

At the same time, I know that I, as a woman, have gotten used to hearing from other people about how I look... in a way that's good and bad. I've dealt with enough creepy assholes who try to touch my hair and follow me home and make comments about my hips that I know how to gtfo. But more than that, I'm used to hearing from my friends, family, coworkers that my sweater looks great today, nice earrings, oh, did I get a haircut because it looks really flattering. When I dress up, my friends tell me I look amazing, and I tell them they look great. I KNOW what beauty standards I'm being held to and whether I choose to flout them or adhere to them, and positive, ego boosting commentary from close friends and family and now and then, the occasional stranger happens enough that it's positive background radiation in my life, and living without that isn't an experience that I can relate to.

I really like what DNL said about men seeking support and affirmation from other men. Obviously, everyone could use more support and affirmation from the people close to them, but also because women aren't (and shouldn't be) treated as dispensers of social support-- a lot of men could due to develop those skills as well. While compliments from random people can be very flattering and wonderful, nobody can't count on strangers to give them the confidence and affirmation they need-- that's a project for yourself, friends, and family. (And also why portraying cat-calling and harassment as a cry for attention doesn't make the cat-caller or harasser any more sympathetic, just like someone who has a grave misunderstanding of how social manners work.)

Here's just a good catch-all phrase to getting the hell out.

"Hey, it was great talking! I'm going to excuse myself for a bit, [going to "insert plausible reason if you want"]"

Some plausible reasons:
- Going to... grab some chips and dip
...get another drink-- no, I'm good grabbing one for myself, just want to move around a little.
...get something from my car
...get some fresh air
...go to the bathroom
... chat with someone I see over there.

But you don't have to have a reason to exit if you don't want to, just excusing yourself is enough. The key is in tone-- say it lightly and casually, don't make a big deal out of it, and people will feel weird making a big deal about trying to get you to stay.

Letter Writer, it sounds like you're just beginning to realize the wrong you've done to your ex-girlfriend, and while other people have hit on the NO NO NO aspects of your letter, I'm glad for that. I'm also glad (sort of) that you want to apologize, but the thing about apologies is that nobody has to accept an apology if they don't want to, and the apologizer will just have to live with that (and not badger the other person for an apology.) I hope you will be able to make peace with the wrong you did her, and try not to do the same harm to anyone else, but you'll have to do it without any absolution from her (or really, anyone, because we can't offer you absolution.)

Here is a concept I think you ought to put some real thought into, really try to wrap your head around and sink into your skin for the next relationship you have of any sort, romantic or platonic or both:

YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF OTHER PEOPLE.* YOU CANNOT MANIPULATE/FORCE/CONTROL/ISOLATE OTHER PEOPLE INTO DOING WHAT YOU WANT.

Not for their own good, which is sounds like you were trying to do. Not even for YOUR own good. You can't make them change their habits, you can't make them ditch the people they care for, no matter how shitty or abusive, you can't make them wash on the regular, you can't make them take the trash out. You can advise, offer your feelings and suggestions, you can leave (I'd leave someone who wouldn't take the trash out), but skipping the step where they CHOOSE (to change, to wash, to take the trash) is a one way train to FUCKNOVille.

It sounds like part of the problem was that your ex-girlfriend was extremely into you, thought you were the sun and moon, while it sounded like you... liked her, probably, felt affection toward her, wanted to take care of her. In the game of "Who likes the other person more" Chicken, you were the indisputable winner, but you wielded this imbalance of power like a weapon-- a scalpel at times, cutting out the parts you didn't like or didn't approve of, a club at others, to beat down her arguments (when you say "Let's just break up," cold and calm and uncaring, what you are really saying is, "I care so little, I have the power to leave you whenever I want." Even if those were not the words in your heart, that is the implication of the words in your mouth.) With great power comes great responsibility etc., but you didn't use your power responsibly, you didn't use it with kind intentions and respect toward her (I suspect you used it with "good" intentions, but road to hell and all that.) Remember that as well, next time power falls into your hands.

*(unless you are literally their boss, and paying them $$$ so you can boss them, or they are your kids, totally dependent on you, and even then, to an limited extent)