Loren_Ipsum_

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40 comments posted · 9 followers · following 0

9 years ago @ The Toast - A note on The Toast · 0 replies · +1 points

THIS I SWEAR

9 years ago @ The Toast - A note on The Toast · 3 replies · +89 points

Ever since I entered the Win Tickets to See Hamilton with Hillary Clinton! contest, I have pictured two moments: sitting down in my seat as the show is about to begin, and shaking her hand when I meet her. AND NOW I HAVE THE BEST ICE-BREAKER LINE IN THE WORLD: "Madam Secretary, it's an honor, and I loved your piece on The Toast!"

9 years ago @ The Toast - The Pitch Meeting for ... · 0 replies · +29 points

SOLID GOLD. To this day, any time someone asks me "Are you thinking* what I'm thinking?" I respond "I think so, Brain." Tragically, this doesn't happen much. What does happen is that 100% of the time the reply is "...what?"

Also: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUnitedStatesPanamaMexicoCanadaHaitiJamaicaPeru [big breath]

*I know it's "pondering," but nobody ever asks me that.

9 years ago @ The Toast - An Alternative Ending ... · 0 replies · +21 points

Agreed 100%. And when they resolved the Something Bad Happening To A Parent subplot, they were like OH DIP BETTER HAVE A SERIES OF MASSIVE CONSPIRACIES FOR HER TO SOLVE, FOR SHE CANNOT SIMPLY DO HER REGULAR JOB OF BRILLIANT SUPERCOP

9 years ago @ The Toast - Everything That's Wron... · 0 replies · +15 points

9 years ago @ The Toast - "Worse Things": Sandy ... · 0 replies · +132 points

This is amazing, and I accept it as 100% head canon. Also, you are amazing and should never lose the bangs.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Say, Why Don't · 0 replies · +92 points

Why, it's just crazy enough to work!

9 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 0 replies · +10 points

This is one of my favorite poems, and now I shall always think of this translation, and I cannot thank you enough.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Cocktail Hour: Open Th... · 0 replies · +37 points

Oh I can win this in three:
(3) The house with the enormous stereo with six-foot speakers in the study on the first floor, and then an increasing number of "antique" (i.e., old and not working) stereos in every room of the house as you went up, for a total of over 30.
(2) The fairly normal house with a few penguin decorations throughout until you walked up the pull-down attic stairs and there was a six-foot styrofoam penguin in full color just staring right at you, like "who dares enter the Penguindome?"
(1) The very decrepit house with high ceilings, big rooms, and, in the master bedroom upstairs, a dead squirrel on the carpet.

9 years ago @ The Toast - Horrifying Stories Mad... · 1 reply · +16 points

Can we have the horrific version of Clifford, the Big Red Dog, please? My kid loves the cartoon and every time we watch it I think of how amazing Mallory's version would be. Really all you have to do is acknowledge the fact that a dog that big (1) is, objectively, a monster, and if it picked you up with its gaping maw (as it frequently does with people), you would start screaming and never stop, (2) would wreak terrible, random, violent havoc any time it got excited, (3) must require enormous amounts of food/sacrifices, and (4) would take dumps the size of an adult rhino on a daily basis, and WHERE DOES THAT GO.

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