The system is completely screwed up. I have the feeling that it's
been abandoned and left to die, like a wounded animal in the forest.

Hi guys, I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't ignoring this
site. I haven't been able to post articles because my dashboard
username and password no longer work. As soon as someone gives me new
dashboard credentials, I'll start posting again.

Two Chinese exchange students arrive at the university cafeteria for
lunch and ask what was available for lunch and were told there were
pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries.

They each order a hot dog and sit down at a table to eat.

After one unwraps the tin foil off his hot dog he looks at the hot dog
and asks the other "So what part of the dog did you get?"

Family is redecorating the living room of their apartment. They decide
that wallpaper will be the easiest option and have chosen one they all
like, but they just don't know how many rolls to buy.

"I know," says the wife. "Our neighbors on the second floor recently
wallpapered their living room. Go and ask them how much wallpaper they
bought."

The husband goes down the stairs and knocks on his neighbor's
door. "When you were decorating your living room, how much wallpaper
did you buy?'

"16 rolls," says the neighbor, so off he goes and buys 16 rolls.

The following week they set to work, but by the end of the day, living
room wallpapered, they find they have 6 rolls left.

The husband goes to see his neighbor again. "We bought sixteen rolls
of wallpaper like you said, but we have 6 rolls left!"

"Yeah, we had 6 rolls left as well," replies the neighbor.

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what
was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got
lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left
was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of
the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him
on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the
missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up
too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and
bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread.

During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just
sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw
the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell
over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around
and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the
hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched
out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I
take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had
a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

Two men in jail are talking. One says, "I won't be in here long."

The other says, "I thought that the judge sentenced you to ten years."

The first one says, "Yeah, I know, but my wife will break me out.
She's never let me finish a sentence before."

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I
have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the
best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in
a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back
garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear
husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with
shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant
the lettuce."

And to think that I was afraid that some of my jokes were too gross.

An Austrian family tries and applies for the Swiss citizenship. The
man there tells them: "All right, everyone of you has to jump across
that river. If you make it, fine, you become a Schwizer. All right?"

"All right."

So it's the dad's turn first. He takes a run - jumps - and
succeeds. The man tells him "Congratulations, you're a Schwizer now."

Next one's his wife. She takes a run - jumps - and succeeds. The man
tells her "Congratulations, you're a Schwizeri now."

Last one's the kid. He takes a run - jumps - stumbles and falls into
the river while screaming. The mother shouts "Aaaah help him!", but
the father pulls her back: "Never mind. It was only an Austrian."

A gentleman travelled all the way from Islamabad to Karachi to have an
aching tooth taken out.

The Karachi dentist asked him,' Surely you have dentists in Islamabad?
You did not have to come all this way to have your teeth attended to.'

Replied the man with the aching tooth, 'We have no choice. In
Islamabad we are not allowed to open our mouths,'