Hey Jess! I didn't read the comments from your post about strong is the new skinny (though I did read the post). It's difficult when people take a swipe, but it is also a sign that you have hit upon something very current to people's way of thinking about exercise. Which is good blogging :-)

The reason I'm commenting now (I've been a very quiet commenter recently) is because of the baked beans. Baked beans!! Not just because I really like baked beans (which I do), but also because of your comments about IBS and eating like other bloggers. I have had real problems with IBS for 10 years or so. What was interesting to me was that when I STOPPED eating (approximately) like other bloggers -- i.e less salads, smoothies, mountains of roasted veg -- my stomach problems all but disappeared. The change wasn't deliberate. It was when I was finishing up my PhD, and in the stress and lack of time, I reverted back to old childhood ways of eating. Soup, beans on toast, toasted cheese sandwiches. Things like that. Of course I still ate veggies and bean burgers and stirfry etc, but in much smaller quantities (couldn't be faffed to cook!).

I only realised that the veggies had been causing me problems though once I reintroduced them. "Great", I thought. "I can get back to healthy eating!" Quickly followed by "Holy hell, why is my stomach so painful!".

In a way, this is a really banal comment. But I guess the point is that I was actually happier, (GI) healthier, and financially better off(!) when I ate like a member of the non-blogging community (for want of a better term). Yes, I included processed foods like baked beans. And no, I didn't always get 5 portions of fruit and veg. But my GI problems all but went away, I didn't put on weight, and I still had the energy to work 12+ hours a day 6 days a week. I've tried to take a lesson from that for my poor stomach!

What I'm saying is that, while I don't agree with the comparisons that you make, and while I think it is wrongheaded to think that one illness is a solution to another, I think I do understand the feelings behind this post. And no matter how non-rational they are (I prefer that to irrational), they are valid. I also think that expressing them helps bring them to light, which is necessary for you to confront them. So from that point of view, I think it's healthy for you to vocalise them.

Of course the catch is that they will be hurtful to other people. But as other commenters have shown, that's not necessarily a barrier to you finding support.

Finally, I guess I would reiterate what others have said about finding a middle ground. The release from an eating disorder is not a contrasting disorder; it's health. I can imagine that from the depths of illness, it's hard to aspire to that. But if in some small corner of your brain you can try and hold onto that idea.. ?

Thinking of you xx

I know that it is common for someone with a binge-eating disorder to envy the apparent control and discipline of a restrictive one. And I know that people often feel that binge eating is perceived disgusting and shameful, whereas restricting is something to be in awe of, a demonstration of iron-cast will power (I was shocked, but not surprised by that message in Unbearable Lightness: "You're being so good").

Of course, both those comparisons are fallacious: a person with anorexia is controlled just as much by their illness as a person with BED. Likewise, while it may begin as an exercise in will power, very soon the illness takes over, and the person is just along for the ride. (I say all this from a mixture of personal and third-personal experience btw -- which is why I'm hesitant. Buy hey ho.)

I started to reply to this yesterday, and then got in knots. So I decided to wait and poach from other people. There was a lot that I instinctively wanted to say, but I'm not all that well-versed in the language of EDs, and I always feel a little self-concscious when I try to comment.

What I am well versed in is stress, and anger, and frustration. I know what that feels like, and I recognise it so clearly in you. My first reaction is to echo something that elk said, which is that it is good to express that. Yes, it is hurtful for some; and even if it is not hurtful, it will be shocking to others. We are not supposed to covet illnesses, or make comparisons to others in pain. But I know a couple of people who have experienced both anorexia and bulimia or BED, and I know that there is a huge tension between these two groups (this is where I am hesitant about expressing myself...)

This is a great post. I've been ruminating a lot myself recently, and now in particular because I've had to finally let my gym membership go. This is naturally going to force a change in training, but I think that's partly cause, partly effect. I.e. it's only since I've come around to thinking about training in different ways that I even considered the option of giving up my monthly subscription to the squat rack. As you say, heavy lifting isn't the be all and end all of being fit. It gives good results in certain areas, and I think I will still continue throwing DBs around at home for my upper body from time to time, but in the end, you don't need to squat your bodyweight to have strong bones and joints and good muscle definition. The former comes well enough from circuits and plyo work, and the latter is more a BF issue than a weights one. Yes, you need some muscle to uncover in the first place, and heavy lifting can provide a good base for that, but from hereon in I think resistance cardio and lighter weights might do ok. I imagine that at various points I'll have to revisit the squat rack, but by "various points " I mean a couple of times a year for a hypertrophy cycle.

Or maybe I'll just get a sand bag.

Right now I don't really know how I want to proceed though -- *confused. This is partly because I've been through a bit of a downturn with my health and have lost confidence; partly because my brain is preoccupied with PhD and other life crises, and doesn't want to add workout routine to its list; and partly because I've not really given it much thought beyond what I've written to you! I'm cogitating I suppose, and hoping that something will bubble up out of my subconscious.

In the meantime, I'm just going to take the attitude of "do whatever the fuck I want", because I do that so rarely in life, and because in this case, something, anything, really is better than nothing.

I struggle to eat cauliflower as we were given cauliflower cheese a lot as a kid and I didn't really like it. I do eat it (and voluntarily sometimes -- like, I buy and cook it for myself!), but I've never entirely shaken that childhood distaste.

As for distracting yourself, there's a lot to be said for that! I don't think it's "cheating" or dodging life; I think actually distracting ourselves is then when the actual work gets done. I was thinking that today when I was sat in Costa listening to Muse and half watching the world go by while writing a difficult section of the P*D. It was almost like I had to keep some part of my brain looking the other way so it wouldn't freak out while the other bit did metaphysics! It's also just important to give yourself a bit of a rest sometimes too.

And I think it's good you're coming to terms with the honesty issue. I think it's actually healthy to hold stuff back sometimes. It teaches us to be discerning, and to get to know our own limits of discomfort (and correspondingly, of comfort) with certain topics and people. That's not to say there's anything wrong with sharing stuff or being open: better that than repressed and emotionally constipated in my opinion! But I think it can actually end up being rewarding and reassuring to learn to filter things. I guess it's making choices perhaps, something like that?

Anyway, no concerns on my front about what to talk about in the absence of "I ran 18 miles", as I find all this equally as interesting :-)

Assuming boys absence, I think I should forbid you a workout this lunchtime!

Ref "I’m feeling it today too – quads, adductors and lats/pecs. This is a bit annoying (frankly I am disappointed with you, body), but then again I wasn’t well at the weekend and this was possibly a slightly stupidly hard workout to start back with. I never learn."

Glad you're back to feeling fit and well though :-)

Overthinking? Me? ;-)

I completely agree that just getting on with things is the best way. Otherwise it's incredibly easy to create phantom aches and pains (and illness?), or to question whether you should be going faster / slower / heavier / lighter. I'm actually pretty good once I'm in the gym. If I catch myself questioning the plan for the day, I just think "stick to it -- you can change it next time if you need to". I was never any good at that with running though. And in the bigger picture I am pretty useless!

Sooooo. Today, I feel better. I'm just going to throw my running kit on and go out. No plans, no distance, just run for a bit. That's nice and under-thunk, right? :-)

Hehe, funny that you chicked those guys! I find it really annoying when people speed up when they hear me approaching -- so yeah, they're just asking to be taken!

And man, I knew you were an early bird, but in work at 7 is impressive!

I'm glad you're back to running form on those hills. To be honest I don't think you ever lost it though ;)

I need to follow your example with the budgeting. I'm terrible for always "needing" something, and spending ahead. Problem is, I then never seem to catch up with the fore-spending -- it catches up with me!