Timing is the one I have a problem with. We didn't suffer from infertility like many other (older; we're in our 20s, most others are in their 30s) couples that we encounter, but I can see where #2 and #3 come in from others. But I often wonder about those alcoholics who wake up one day and they are sober. That would be nice, but is that #2? I know that God does not condone, nor does he make us sin, but man, like Job, he allows us to suffer so that we can have a testimony. Or at least, that's what Job teaches me and that's what I have been told by and about people who have had to persevere. It's not fun being on the "before" side of the testimony, though.

Perhaps I should go back to question 2, and the way that I will understand question 4 will become more lucid.

Last time I took one of those spiritual gift surveys, discernment turned out to be the highest ranked. I tend to be aware of what the spirit is telling me. When I type something, I get this feeling that I should retract or edit my language, or say nothing at all (!!!) when I can't figure out what to say myself. I can hear God in prayer when He tells me what I need to "get right" in my life, but on those days when I feel everything is well, it seems as if He is silent, like God is this voice of finger-shaking rather than a God who would say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I think I am bearing good fruit despite my flaws, so this is a conflict for me. I feel the conviction a lot stronger than I do the "well done," the bearing of good fruit.

This part has posed problems for me in my recovery.

1 Thess says, " Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. "

That's hard to do when you or others are suffering from rage or drunkenness or internal turmoil after an affair. Yes, it's one thing to be able to obey/adhere to this when all is well, but what about when we encounter or create chaos in our lives?

I say this to arrive at speaking to God. Yes, Jesus has washed our sins away for judgment, but what about here and now? What if I had just said an unkind word to someone? James 5:16 reads, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." If I am dwelling in sin, how do I make the transition from sinner to righteous? If my wife wants me to cover her and pray for/with her and the house and kids, how is this possible if I am bringing the sin to the house?

How does one begin this transition? I say this because my prayer life has been an epic struggle. Why bother going to God in prayer if I know in my heart I'm not ready, nor do I want to submit to him yet at the same time, I have accepted Jesus as Lord as a gift of grace? what do we do when the desire is there, but the will isn't? is it possible to pray with sin on the heart and mind?

When you first posted this, I was not ready to respond. I was lost in my own selfishness, my own desires. Whenever I encountered what basically boils down to "submitting to Christ," I played dumb, reading the Bible daily acting like I didn't know what Christ's will was while indulging in sin.

There's a reason why Lecrae drops a reference to Luke 9 in practically all his albums. A key line reads, "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me'" (23).

I have had to remember that submission is a daily thing. I have made the mistake of thinking I could take days off, submitting to Christ on Sunday through Tuesday, have my own day on Wednesday, then submit again Thursday through Friday, where we observe a Sabbath, and indulging in debauchery on Saturday.

Lord I am ready for you to take this sin out of me, or as they say in CR, for you to remove my character defects. I can only serve one master. You.

Amen.

The spirit is truly moving at Trinity. I was just talking to a colleague yesterday about issues with the *black* church stemming from a history of being segregated. Can't help but to feel a bit of spite there. "White churches," such as Trinity when I first arrived seem more integrated than any black church I've ever been in, from Alabama to Michigan. The Church as much work to do in this area....

LoL! Madison will be on a real bike by the time she learns how to ride her tricycle. I think Nathan is ahead of her on that curve.

My family didn't have any last day of school traditions. They were at work. The only memory I have of my last day of school is that I was the only senior in my class not to come on the last day, and I ended up breaking into my own house because I locked myself out on the way to pick up my GF from school. EPIC FAIL!

On a day-to-day basis, we try to take some time to talk, whether it's a sit-down in the kitchen while the kids are in bed or watching TV or upstairs while we are folding clothes. Much to my chagrin, these times may even come when I lie my head on the pillow or relaxing playing a video game and Jacquelyn is a bit on the verbose side. I've arranged our Netflix account so that we can alternate between "man" and "woman" movies.

On a month-to-month basis, we might be able to get a sitter who basically watches the house while we're gone. We might go to a movie or Culver's or Tasty Twist just to get away from the domestic aspect of our marriage. I wish this could be a weekly thing but it's financially prohibitive. I mean, I know of some sitters who would take "whatever we could give," but my conscious gets the best of me and I would overextend my generosity.

We were blessed enough so that I could take Jacquelyn on a shopping spree for our anniversary, but next time, I'll do something less rigorous. This summer, I'm taking her to the NFL Hall of Fame. Can't wait.

But financial blessings are key. We could do none of this had we not properly managed our stewardship. In July, we will have gone a year without using our credit cards***. PRAISE THE LORD!

***Amazon auto-renewed my Prime account. I have to get that fixed.

If only I could figure out how to not think of them as nuisances and bothers. Like walking with Christ, child-rearing is a long-term investment with a lot of short-term sacrifices, yet we are guaranteed the outcome of salvation with Christ. There are no guarantees with kids. And it's hard for me to find the love after all the feeding, dressing, finding-stuff-for-them-to-do-that-isn't-TV..

I struggle with connecting with people in general, and my kids are a special case. They are so young, so they love simple things and want positive reinforcement and attention for the simplest, mundane things. While I tell my wife that I love how they can appreciate the simple things of life while we are disillusioned as adults, I find it irritating when they ask me questions when they already know the answer, when they want me to participate in activities that I have no interest.

Even though I'm home more often than the average father, besides meals, I don't spend a lot of time with my kids. I look upon them as blessings that the lord has bestowed upon us, but I don't feel that magical, intangible connection that parents say they have with their children. For me, they are akin to high-maintenance pets. Maybe things will change when they age I can communicate with them on more equal terms, or at least when their interests are more dynamic than Nick Jr programming.

Praise the Lord indeed! If you need any strongmen to help you move, I'll be sure to send Preston and Nathan!