Thanks, Wade! This one was tough to find the right balance when writing but I'm glad I posted it. I hope my story helps someone else who might be struggling with any similar issues.

Marcy and Provender, thanks for your comments. I hope to have a few more blogs about spiritual abuse soon. I'm no expert, but I agree it's an important subject that many don't understand!

I'm glad someone was able to find this post useful and I hope to have more about spiritual abuse in the future. It's a subject that so many don't understand or don't want to understand. It's an area that many are hurt by but I think Christians who aren't affected should be aware so they can guard against it.

I'm glad it was meaningful for you! I too struggle most with my workplace. One thing I try to always remember is something my journalism professor (at a Christian college) said about 10 years ago. He said it's important for Christians to learn to be good professionals, because that's what the world cares about. If we are lousy at our job and don't take it seriously, people won't take our faith seriously.

Wade and Haven, I'm glad the post was helpful to you :)

As far as getting rid of our buttons, I'm learning that we can't do it alone. In fact, I'm coming to believe we can't do it at all. I'm in a program called Celebrate Recovery that is a Bible-based recovery program for all of "life's hurts, habits and hang up." Giving up control and realizing that only God can truly reform us and our lives is a big part of that process :) Like any problem, our own personal "buttons" can't be gotten rid of by squashing them down. That just lets them fester in some hidden corner of our mind/heart.

Thanks to both of you who have responded, sorry I'm a bit behind on comments!

Jordan, you raise a very good point that loving God should be and is a natural result of him loving us, or at least our acknowledgment of that love. I think what made me ponder this goes back to how I perceived what I was taught as a child. Those who were "in love" or just really loved God seemed so fired up and excited about it. I struggle to feel that way, but I also know in my head and my heart that an emotional high is not a true indicator of feelings. As you said, striving for some outward sign isn't the goal here.

For me, my relationship with God is more of a sense of .... confused awe. Perhaps confused isn't the right word. What I mean is, what God does for us and did for us is so amazing and so difficult to comprehend in my little human brain that I know I can never full grasp it. And I'm OK with that, because it leaves me wanting even more. Wanting to know God more, follow his will more and develop a relationship with him.

Curtis,
Thanks for commenting as well! You say that we should be in love with God as well, but how do you know the difference between being in love and loving? Or is it even possible to achieve that level of commitment by trying? It seems to me that part of this process is done through God's grace and glory...he brings us closer to him as we open our hearts and submit our will to him. It seems to me that obedience is not only self preserving (good for us), but an act of worship (giving God the glory he so richly deserves).

I hope all this makes sense!

Jordan, thanks for the follow up. I've got a fairly thick skin, I just become concerned that somehow I've not been communicating my feelings/beliefs properly. I can see somewhat where you got the concerns that you have, and that was not my intent. I was so focused on the main point I didn't catch the wording. Thanks for the dialogue :)

Jordan, as I said in the original post, Jesus gave Satan the go ahead to mess with Job as long as he didn't kill him, etc.

I'm not sure I necessarily agree that God doesn't cause bad things in our lives, at least what we would consider bad. (Tests of faith can be a good thing, they are just tough) I'm not saying that I think he does, I'm just saying I've not really thought about it that far. To me, allowing bad stuff and causing bad stuff has the same effect...it still gives God the chance to teach us and draw him closer to him...if we let him. Whether he causes it or just allows it, God is still in it. So if he's still involved to me that makes it still a "God thing" so to speak.

Esmeralda,

It's certainly tough to do that isn't it? I think more of what I'm trying to say is that yes, we should be thankful, but more so just realize that the bad things are of God too. God has a purpose for allowing/bringing those things to our lives. God has his hand in all parts of our life and just knowing that makes the rough times seem more manageable. What I'm TRYING to do now that I have this understanding, is when bad or frustrating times come, ask God, "OK, so what's up? What do you want me to learn? This is of you, God, so please guide me."